Tag: Grace

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A Closer Look at God’s Forgiveness

Do we really need to forgive ourselves?  

I’ve been seriously wrestling with this question for five years. I’ve fervently tried, but I was never able to feel settled with the statement that I had “forgiven myself.” 

The thing is, I knew I hadn’t fully. I wasn’t even sure I could. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that I am dust and just couldn’t shake the truth that without God’s grace through Jesus I am unforgivable, flawed, and hopelessly sinful. That is what makes God’s grace and Jesus’ sacrifice for us so incredibly difficult to comprehend. Offering grace to ourselves is not always an easy task, even on our best days. 

Lately I’ve been working very hard on accepting the truth, even if it’s not pretty or what I or others would want to hear. Jesus had to come and forgive me; I can’t forgive myself on my own. Without His grace (upon grace…) I am not gracious enough toward myself to forgive fully. I can’t pardon myself from the sins I’ve committed or fix my fallen nature. I can’t absolve myself of guilt. Only Jesus can do that.  

Forgiving ourselves is not done on our own strength, it’s about leaning on the forgiveness Jesus already offers to us.

I can’t shake the truth that I desperately need Jesus’ forgiveness. It is His forgiveness that allows me to forgive others, and myself. We are not meant to live under the weight of heavy guilt; instead, we are meant to live freely and lightly (Matthew 11:30). As He calls us to follow Him, He invites us to come to Him and accept the forgiveness He has for us. 

In accepting His forgiveness, we believe the unbelievable, that what God says really is true, and that Jesus’ work on the cross really was enough. We are made in His image, so we all have the capacity to forgive, but Jesus teaches us how to do this. Jesus enables us to forgive, wholly and truly, through and through.   

Through His amazing grace, we may extend complete grace to ourselves and others.

We can start to see ourselves through His eyes when we accept His forgiveness. And we might need to choose to accept it several times every day! Just as we have to choose to take up our cross daily, we must also choose to accept His forgiveness as we continue to make mistakes, doubt our own faith, or struggle to show grace to ourselves and others. 

Forgiveness is a choice God made in relation to us. We do not have to do anything to earn it, a strange feeling in our world where so much must be earned. Accepting God’s choice to forgive us despite what we may feel about ourselves at any given moment isn’t always so easy. (I mean, did He see what I did? If I’m disgusted in me, then surely He is, right?) Wrong. He loves and forgives us unconditionally. And He knew that you were going to do whatever it is you did, but that doesn’t change a thing. 

Jesus already paid the full price for our forgiveness. As we believe this, the Holy Spirit lives in us and loves us as part of His own family. This is the fact; feelings that keep us from believing we can be forgiven are not fact.  

It’s okay to give your feelings time to catch up with facts. 

It is not okay, however, to let feelings blind you to facts. The facts are that God loves you, Jesus paid the price for you, and that you are forgiven and free in Him. How amazing that we do not have to do anything more than believe to receive His forgiveness! And even more than this, His forgiveness empowers us to forgive to greater depths than we ever could on our own strength.                  

Yet, we are ever-tempted to give in to the false feelings that are not of God, of guilt and shame. For some of us, these feelings might be a comfortable place to be. But these feelings were never meant to linger and we were never meant to dwell among them. Jesus said, “...it is necessary that temptations come…” (Matthew 18:7). Temptations and disobedience will happen, but it doesn’t erase what God has done or who we are in Him at all. Guilt and shame must be dealt with yet moved through, for we are meant to dwell in Jesus’ freedom. 

When God leads us through temptations to the other side, He shows us who He is, for He walks with us the whole way.

Not only am I aware that I am dust, but God is aware too (Psalm 103:14), and He has mercy for that. He knows we will be tempted to choose not to believe the facts and go with our feelings. 

In fact, God uses even these temptations for His glory, “For God has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all” (Romans 11:32). He gives us no reason to fear. He knows we need Him, and He forgives us for being human.   

It’s okay to accept God’s forgiveness.  

In reference to Romans 8:33, the ESV Study Bible notes, “Satan, their enemies, or even their own consciences may bring charges against God’s elect, but those who have come to faith in Christ will never be found guilty, for God declares them to be right before all the world at the divine tribunal.”

This means we will face charges in our own thoughts and consciences, and it’s not a question of if but when–this will happen. It does not change the fact that Jesus Christ cleared us of our charges and forgave us. 

Asking God to forgive us, and believing He does, is enough.  

Paul wrote, “For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law (Romans 3:28). We do not have to work and do extra to earn forgiveness. Forgiveness is not earned, it is given. He asks us to have faith in Him; His forgiveness for us doesn’t depend on our striving or achieving. 

We don’t have to strive to earn freedom from guilt, instead, we are invited to have faith that we are forgiven. 

In Matthew, it says, “with God all things are possible” (19:26). As we struggle with forgiving ourselves, let us take heart in knowing that we can rest because of who Jesus is, what He has done, and what He, even now, is doing on our behalf; “Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us” (Romans 8:34). 

Not only has he paid the price for our forgiveness, but He continually works on our behalf; we have no need to strive because of Him.

May we let it all rest in Jesus. 

“God is for us, so who can be against us” (Romans 8:31)?

Thank you for spending some of your time journeying with me. If you haven’t yet, please subscribe to the blog, it helps me continue writing about Life with the King. Grace and peace.  

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The Profound Sufficiency of Christ

The ugliness of this world has been exposed, maybe more than anyone alive today has ever seen, in these draining days of COVID-19, political unrest, and violence. Quarreling in and among friends over how to think about these issues seems to be the new norm. 

My soul, along with that of many others, is heavy for this world. The impact of the many stresses on society takes a toll on us individually, with deep uncertainty about the future. There is still no clear end in sight. This is nothing new under the sun, yet aspects are new to us and the globe. 

Can our souls find real rest in this kind of world? We will not find answers in delusion, nor will we will find them in the world itself. This world has never been sufficient to fulfill us, and that truth is now starkly apparent to all who are willing to see. 

I’ve been struck this week with the profound truth of Christ’s sufficiency, and wanted to share thoughts about His infinite goodness, even in the face of 2020. He knew of all the suffering and pain that would happen this year; He endured the painful weight of it on the cross long ago.   

What does Christ’s declaration, “My grace is sufficient” (2 Corinthians 12:9) mean for us?

There is hope in the midst of pain, even now! Especially now. Let us pause for a moment and let it sink in that even now, God has already provided for us, our every need, by His infinite grace. How immeasurable His grace is to completely cover the pain of this world! 

We can’t earn or make fulfillment for ourselves in this world no matter how much we try. There is no perfect human system that will “fix” everything or “solve the problems.” Should we still try? Absolutely. We certainly must seek justice and defend the oppressed (Isaiah 1:17) in every way we can. However, the world’s problems all stem from sin, which only Christ has the authority to address. Putting all of our hope (and attention) in human solutions will do nothing but let us down again.  

Hope that lasts can only be found in Christ. 

Christ Jesus declared through the Apostle Paul that His grace is sufficient. He has provided for the lasting fulfillment of each and every soul by addressing the sin that plagues it head on. His grace is sufficient to cover our sin–and the vast chasm that formed between us and God the Father when sin entered humanity. 

To clarify, I do not believe that God is at fault for our sin in any way. This world the way it is is not the result of God’s mess-up. I believe that after humans chose to sin, God then had a choice to make, and chose for sin to operate the way it does now for the ultimate good of all; as it is written, “For God has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all” (Romans 11:32).

It is God’s character not to set us up for failure, but to show us all His great mercy. 

His grace is sufficient to give us hope for a future in the presence of our merciful, good, loving Father. What Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12 of the sufficiency of Jesus speaks of hope in the midst of frustrating human limitation:        

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:7b-10).

I can’t help but think of COVID-19 and long-standing physical violence as similar both to Paul’s “thorn” and to the “weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties” he endured. Disease and violence have plagued humanity for millennia, and they have clearly not gone away. Yet, by Jesus’ sufficient grace, we like Paul can delight even when these things are upon us. Jesus gives us the ability to delight in our lives in 2020!

Christ is not just sufficient to ease our minds about an afterlife, He is sufficient to give us life in the present. 

Romans 8:35 says that even tribulation, distress, persecution, danger, and sword are unable to separate us from the love of Jesus. His love and grace are what truly provide for our souls, which die without hope. Hopelessness and depression in this life are some of the worst things imaginable. Jesus continually meets us in this soul level struggle, meeting our deepest needs and insufficiencies today. 

As we walk through life today, let us take hope in the amazing truth that Christ Jesus is sufficient for us. Even and perhaps particularly amidst weakness and difficulty, He is sufficient. Jesus may not take away this world’s troubles (John 16:33) immediately, but He provides unending grace that is sufficient to satisfy our souls’ longing for fulfillment and hope.   

Jesus is enough to cover every need.

His goodness is vast enough to cover all that our own human goodness cannot. He is sufficient to cover every longing. He is sufficient to give us hope.

Christ is sufficient. 

By His sufficient grace, may Jesus change our hearts, strengthening us to step into life, freedom, and hope right where we are today.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

“…If God is for us who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn?” (Romans 8:31b-34a).

“…in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, not angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39). 

Thank you for spending some of your time journeying with me. If you haven’t yet, please subscribe to the blog, as it really helps me continue writing about Life with the King. Grace and peace to you.

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Compassion and Resting in Jesus

I wasn’t planning to address the current global pandemic, but it’s so heavily on my heart that I have to acknowledge it in some way. I take great care that everything I post here comes from an honest place. If what I write doesn’t feel honest, I don’t post. Period. So please pardon my extra honesty about compassion, which can be brought to any situation or any time. The COVID-19 situation just underlines its importance all the more.  

I want to admit that especially in the face of the world’s current state of uncertainty, I get easily worn out emotionally. I’ve been more moody than usual, as the emotional enneagram type 4 that I am. I’m not scared for myself so much, but my heart breaks for the world, the country, the state, and the people who are most vulnerable right now–including several family members. 

History with MRSA

About fourteen years ago, my family began dealing with a highly contagious bacteria called MRSA, a deadly staph infection. My dad brought it home from the nursing home where he worked. I watched the extreme anxiety of washing, wiping, and disinfecting everything—our sheets, our clothes, our skin—wear heavily on us all, Mom in particular. The infection would seem to be healed for a few weeks, we would start to breathe easier again, but then suddenly, the infection would recur. This happened several times over a series of long, agonizing months. 

With time Dad recovered, and slowly, the black mood lifted as household life returned to normal–but not without scars. I’ve been forced to revisit my scars as the trauma and familiar anxiety of those terrible MRSA months have flooded back to me in the last week or two due to COVID-19, and the emotions simply overwhelm me at times. As then, I pray. I sleep when I can. I wait. Focus on my work becomes harder and more important to my mental health. Staying hopeful becomes an even higher priority.

This is not new for me, but it is for most of the world–the US in particular. As someone who relies heavily on intuition and empathizes deeply with others, it’s been a difficult week, and from what it sounds like, we all have a while to go.  

So how do we cope? What do we do when we have no experience with something this widespread and dangerous but have to face it anyway? For better or worse, I actually have some real-life experience to draw from having gone through a long, terrible fight with a deadly strain of MRSA in my household. 

The only way I’ve found to get through uncertainty of any kind is by resting in the certain love and compassion of Jesus. 

Jesus does not want us to live in a state of heightened anxiety and stress; it’s no way to live, from a physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental health standpoint. In the New Testament, Peter wrote, “[cast] all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). Jesus cares about what we’re going through. He offers to do something about our anxieties. He offers to take them upon Himself.

The Compassion of Jesus

Jesus’ compassionate presence is reliable even when nothing else is. Matthew 9:36-38 says, “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.’” 

What a beautiful picture of compassion! Here Jesus’ heart is clearly with the most vulnerable. Throughout the Bible, God shows His compassionate nature, for example by not abandoning his people in the wilderness after the exodus from Egypt. By rescuing and delivering his people from oppressive enemies. By strengthening and restoring them. Answering them. Sparing them. Forgiving them. Comforting them. Providing for them. Jesus showed compassion in His life on this earth by healing, feeding, giving sight, and teaching the people. 

Jesus then brought the compassionate work of God to a head by making the Way to reconciliation and forgiveness of sins. 

In the midst of MRSA and now in the midst of COVID-19, He assures that through Him, our souls are safe from harm. He brought eternal healing to our mortal souls by His grace, love, and compassion. With that assurance, fear has no place to take hold of us. Jesus was and is the source of my hope, even in “the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4). Jesus is worth trusting in. Jesus himself said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Friends, let’s take heart together. 

We are not designed to handle such heavy burdens on our own. While we certainly must do what we can to protect ourselves and others, we are not in control, no matter how many times we wash our hands or how carefully we hoard supplies. Only God can handle a burden as heavy as an incurable illness or a global pandemic. He is our true, everlasting place of peace, comfort, and rest. 

Jesus is the only place our weary souls can take a real rest. 

We all have emotions, and they are all valid. However, the way we feel changes constantly and, if you’re anything like me, it’s typically not in line with what is True. We mustn’t allow our emotions to go so far as to replace Truth with hysteria and a general sense of doom. What the world easily forgets, what we must hold onto, is the truth that God’s presence and help is always available to us. 

We always can choose a different point of view in the face of fear when we follow the God of love. 

God gave us the precious ability to choose for ourselves how we live, what we focus our minds on, and how we treat others. We can also show love to ourselves by choosing to think healthy, life-affirming thoughts in line with the Word of God. We can also choose to love our neighbors in creative ways, because God “first loved us” (1 John 4:19). He gives us His love so that we can show love. 

We get to choose where our hope is found, no matter what is going on around us. Friends, I can tell you from experience that putting all hope in disinfecting practices and medical expert advice is shaky ground. By setting our hope first on the saving work of Jesus, we have a firm foundation for and ability to rest. 

Jesus longs for us to draw close to Him. He loves and cares for us more deeply than we can even know. He is always waiting for us with open arms. In the midst of whatever we are going though, He is there and able to handle whatever burdens and pain we bring to His feet.    

Jesus is in the business of restoration and healing. 

He is merciful and just; “our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). Jesus is working, even when we don’t see it, to heal and restore. That’s just who He is and what He does. 

We don’t have to live in fear because no matter what happens, He will bring restoration and healing in the end thanks to his unending compassion for us. When we practice compassion ourselves, we take part in bringing the Kingdom of God to this earth, the Kingdom that first broke in when Jesus came. 

We can continue His Kingdom work right now, as we abide in His Spirit of compassion. It is through His Spirit that we have the capacity to love and serve. Compassion is the opportunity we have every day and particularly right now. While the world is fearful and hurting, “like sheep without a shepherd,” Jesus invites us to come to Him. Let us find rest in Jesus, the one True Shepherd of souls, and show His love and compassion in whatever ways we can. It will not only help bring healing to others, but it will also aid in our own healing.  

Self Compassion

While compassion is often thought of as being directed toward others, it is equally important to have compassion for ourselves. Particularly as anxieties and fears shudder through us, and as experiences and situations contradict our hope, we must be patient with ourselves. We need to make sure not to skip over giving ourselves the same grace that Jesus has already given us. He knows “we are dust” (Psalm 103:14); we are human beings, and we have weaknesses. That’s okay. For some of us this can be hard to accept, but it’s essential to understand it. 

We won’t be able to accept Jesus’ grace if we cannot grant ourselves enough grace to receive it. 

We must show ourselves the same compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience that we would show to our closest, dearest friend. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12). This isn’t easy; I am saying this as a reminder to myself too, and am working on this along with you!

I recently read a quote that said, “the ‘little things’ aren’t as little as you think.” How you treat yourself moment by moment, how you talk to yourself, might seem like a small thing in the grand scheme of everything else, but it makes a big difference to show compassion in those in-between moments. Friends, don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. 

While we can’t control what happens, we can control how we respond. Let’s respond with the love and compassion of Jesus, especially towards ourselves, in this difficult time. 

God sees us as worth loving, so we should too! 

God is a God of compassion. He cares for us as a good father cares for the best interests of his own child.  Just as love is a choice, it is also a choice to show compassion toward yourself and others. We are His children through our faith and reliance on the saving work of Jesus. He shows us radical, profound love, grace, and mercy which we can experience fully when we trust Him. 

Jesus had great compassion for people, and by looking at His life on earth we are given an amazing example of what it looks like to practice the art of compassion, for ourselves and others. 

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Compassion will run out if our source is not Jesus Himself. 

Our humanity limits the extent to which we, in our own strength, are capable of showing compassion. It is only when we lean on Jesus’ strength and forgiving work that our compassion for others won’t run dry. 

The way of rest and restoration is found only in Jesus, friends. May all the compassion you show inspire others to hope in the promise of healing that Jesus fulfills.

Sometimes disasters help us run into God’s arms all the faster and more fervently. In this season as the world is experiencing disasters of all kinds and we are urged toward social distancing, may we ever draw closer to our compassionate, loving Father. 

“But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love” (Nehemiah 9:17).   

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail” (Lamentations 3:22).  


“a bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory; and in his name the Gentiles will hope” (Matthew 12:20-21). 

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Royal Identity

Happy 2020! I’m so excited to finally dive into the topic of identity. Understanding my identity and identity as God defines it changed everything for me in 2015. Identity was the key to regaining faith in God after I had lost every last drop of it. I used to define myself in all kinds of ways–by how good I was at my job, how I saw myself, how others saw me, what I knew and the kinds of questions I asked, the places I’d been . . . you get the idea. I’d also “try on” new identities when I found them to see if they’d fit. Nothing ever satisfied for long. It wasn’t until I realized I didn’t actually understand God or who He really is or the truth about why He made humans to begin with. Once I discovered that for myself in my own time, my identity became much more clear. Did you know that royalty is in our blood? (Genesis 1:26, 1:28). I certainly didn’t. But it’s True!

God made humans to rule the Earth. 

We all have a deep-seated desire to rule, to bring order, to make something out of the world and our place in it. That’s not by accident. In John Mark Comer’s book Garden City, he unpacks this idea that we were always meant to reign, to work, make culture, build cities, and help people and animals thrive. We are actually designed as rulers of the Earth–we are kings and queens by birth. 

We were never meant to die or leave this Earth but instead to rule it, reign over it, and enjoy it. Comer writes that it’s in our blood to desire greatness, because that’s who we really are. We descend from kings and queens, and we are designed to be kings and queens. How often do we live like we believe that?

You don’t have to strive to become somebody because you already ARE somebody. 

Awareness of my sin blinded me to this identity for myself, and sometimes still does. I used to believe that if God was real, He had made me a sinner. From a very young age I recognized the pain I caused to myself and others and resented it and myself for it. In other words, I believed it was God’s fault that I was born “bad,” so why would I want to try to be anything better than I was? Shouldn’t I just embrace who I am, push others to do the same, and leave it at that? After all, that’s what Western culture fights for and tells us we should fight for too. Why would I want or need forgiveness from God like Christianity teaches if I couldn’t help but to be “bad” in the first place? Seemed pretty unfair to me. How could a good God send anyone to hell if He set us up to fail by making us sinful? But that’s a lie I believed. The truth is that God made us to rule. 

Discovering and knowing that God didn’t set us up to fail was everything for me. 

I knew there was a disconnect in holding this belief but no answers made sense to me for years. Eventually I asked the question, “Do I really know who God is?” The answer was a resounding no. Instead of a God of mixed and confusing messages, I slowly came to know God as the Creator of a beautiful Earth and the Creator of humans to rule over it, take care of it, and thrive. I came to know God as a loving, holy Father who always intended the best for us, and who created us good, in His Good image, to represent Him on Earth. I came to know God as the good, loving, merciful, faithful, sacrificial, kind, and patient God He is. Understanding Him not as the condemner to hell but as the Savior of souls that have wandered away from God’s design, longing for rest and peace. Instead of focusing on what confusion my pain caused, my thinking started to transform when focusing on the loving heart of God and His original intentions for us. 

Knowing God’s love, all the pain, sin, and shame of my past just doesn’t matter anymore.

I mean, it still really sucks that we can’t rule as God originally designed. While royalty is in our DNA, sin crept into our hearts at the Fall and has been around ever since. In other words, we messed up our chance to rule the world as our natures predispose us to do. Instead, we were given a second chance by God in the form of a choice. That’s where the best news comes in.  God allows us to choose whether or not to submit to His authority to get back to His design. Jesus, God in the flesh, took on our sin by His amazing grace and He now rules the Earth in our place, because we could not. Now, we must let God take care of the world. We can no longer rule the Earth on our own because sin entered into the world and our egos twisted the desire to rule for common good into the desire to rule for personal glory. But we may reign with Jesus over the Earth for all eternity as God’s design intended. All He asks is to trust in Him. 

The end of the story is hopeful! Nothing could ever stop God’s design, it will come about regardless of human decisions. But God gives us the chance to reenter His design through believing in Jesus’ sacrifice covering the debt of sin we are responsible for. God in the flesh, Jesus, came to save our souls from separation from God. He fulfilled the human’s purpose to rule the world where Adam and Eve could not rule. 

We are kings and queens because the King of all made it so. Not because of anything we’ve done, not because we deserved it, but because of the grace of the one True King. 

Sometimes it takes hitting a low point like I did to realize there’s more to life than being born, working, maybe marrying or procreating, and definitely dying. There’s not only pain. Love is here. No amount of sin could wipe it out. Love is the reason you are here, and God doesn’t leave you alone in the mess of pain and suffering. He loved us so much He was willing to do anything to get us out of the mess and cycle of destruction we inherited from our ancestors, the human kings and queens of old. He doesn’t just show us kindness once in a while, when things in life seem to be going well, He doesn’t only think about us when we think about Him or pray to Him. He is kind and good to us all the time. He thinks about us always, wanting the best for us. Jesus provided the Way for us to get out of the mess of sin that distracts, destroys, and deceives us and allows us to live in the peace and joy of knowing Him and following His Way, his plan for your identity. 

We were not made to suffer and die. We were made to rule. 

You have purpose. You have value. You ARE somebody. You are precious, valued, and loved beyond what you or I or any human being can comprehend. 

The King of kings has given us an identity, a name, a purpose that no doubt or sin can ever erase. 

May we live as the kings and queens God made us to be, now and for eternity. 

Further suggested reading: Garden City by John Mark Comer

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The Joy of Dance

I remember having to sit through my younger sister’s dance recital rehearsal while trying to do math problems. At age 11, anything girly made me roll my eyes. However, out of the 50 or 60 dances, one ballet dance in particular caught my attention even among the racy jazz numbers and the snappy tappers. I found myself being drawn in by the teen ballet set to Tchaikovky’s Waltz of the Flowers. 

It carried me off into another world where everything seemed better.

The dancers looked genuinely happy. The number was synchronized, artistic, and when I finally saw the dress rehearsal, the white costumes with pink sashes and pink flowers made it all just too beautiful to deny. If this was what dancing could look like, I finally understood why people wanted to do it. “If only I could do that,” I thought. Could I? I wrestled for a few weeks, and then decided. I almost surprised myself when I told my mom I wanted to begin ballet lessons.  

I held tight to the dream of being able to dance like the girls in Waltz of the Flowers, to move with grace. The first year or two of classes revealed my deep love of dance; I danced every chance I could. But when I started competing, I lost sight of why I loved dance in the first place. At competitions, dance was instead about external validation. The hope dance had given me for a better more beautiful world took a backseat until there wasn’t much joy in dance for me anymore; after three years I resigned from the dance team. I couldn’t quite bear to stop dancing altogether though.

Nine years after I quit competing, I did stop altogether. At 25, I simply couldn’t dance. Not because I physically couldn’t. Any doctor would have said I was physically capable. But spiritually, I had nothing left. Without being aware or intentional about my relationship with God, I hadn’t been following Him. I had been consistently careless with my heart and mind, and that summer it caught up with me like a ton of bricks. That’ll slow anyone down real quick.

I had lost all sight of the Lord.

It happened so gradually that it was hard to notice. By the time I did notice, I had stopped even trying to pray. I wasn’t following God’s commands, which provide joy. “The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart” (Psalm 19:8). My joy had run out, and I felt it. All of a sudden, everything about my life seemed wrong. I had a vague awareness that I had lost something like innocence but at the time I was blind to the Truth of God. I sought the world’s rational, scholarly answers for why this was happening to me. But nothing satisfied. The truth was, my heart hadn’t received true joy, the joy that comes only from God’s grace and love, for quite some time. What I didn’t know then is that joy is a gift I couldn’t work to give myself. 

Joy is a gift from God. 

It took years for me to make sense of it. All I knew at the time was that I had completely lost strength, mentally and spiritually. I didn’t think that had anything to do with God. Even the thought of attending a dance class right across the street, as I had been, was exhausting. I don’t even remember having hope to dance again. Scripture says, “...Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). However, I was grieving and weak. I was in pain and didn’t know how to escape it. I didn’t know how to come back to God even if I wanted to (I didn’t, and I blamed Him for how I felt). “Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning” (Lamentations 5:15). My dancing had indeed turned to mourning; I was lucky just to get out of bed. Having joy was only a distant memory. 

I had no reason to dance anymore.

Thankfully, God is a merciful God. He never stops loving us and He is always waiting for us to repent. He welcomes us back to Him with open arms when we do. He delights in lavishing His gifts upon His children, and by His amazing grace, He restored my joy that was lost. It took years, but eventually I was ready to accept the Truth. In one of my darkest moments, I focused on Truth instead of my own pain, and let go of blaming God. I repented of my sin. Suddenly, I was filled with joy, and I praise God that joy has not left me since. 

About a year later, I slowly started dancing again, taking one class here and another there. I wanted to savor the process this time and to go at my own pace. I was not disappointed. I found that once again, as when I first began to dance, I could express freedom in the movement. I became sensitive again to the beauty and grace of dance that I had fallen in love with at age 11. Dance is an expression of the heart and a wonderful way to express joy. 

Two years ago, I took an opportunity to perform in a ballet. Though I doubt anyone knew it but God, I wanted to perform again as a testament to how far He’s taken me. From the depths of despair to the stage, He stayed with me through it all. 

To express the joy that He restored to me through dance was a gift.

Now I’m in a season of being stirred to dance the way David danced before the Lord, “Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might,” (2 Samuel 6:14). This year, I’ve had the opportunity to choreograph for a performance. By God’s grace I was inspired with joyful steps and free, expansive movement. I could not have set that kind of piece without the joy of the Lord. This was just a few weeks ago.

Joy is so powerful it often elicits a physical response. Other responses to joy found in the Bible include shouting (Leviticus 9:24), eating (1 Chronicles 29:22), and singing (Psalm 95:1). There are many outward expressions of joy to the Lord; my favorite, as you may have guessed by now, is dancing. 

If I ever doubt that God has restored me and delivered me from sin, I remember how, not so many years ago, I couldn’t even dance one step under the heaviness of darkness. There’s no denying its contrast with the joy that now flows from my spirit, particularly through dance. God worked the miracle of joy in my life. Dance symbolizes my journey of being brought from death to life. And so, I will dance on. 

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,” (Psalm 30:11).  

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Facing Memories

There’s nothing quite like going through old memories. Have you ever opened an old trunk in your attic or gone through a closet that doesn’t get much use and find things that used to be so important to you but you’d forgotten all about them? My project this week was to go through my childhood room at my parents’ house. I haven’t lived there for about 7 years, and the room is now needed for purposes other than holding the odds and ends I’ve left behind. I had tried to look through some of it over the years, but each time I never got very far. This time, as I sat on the floor, the books, flash drives, CDs, clothes, jewelry, tickets from shows, even my preschool graduation certificate (which I have no memory of ever seeing before), brought up memories that weren’t always happy or easy. In those 3 or 4 hours of sorting, I held each bit of paper, each book–each memory–and really looked at it. When holding some of the items no memories came up, but with the majority, a memory association came right along with it. And there were hundreds of items!

It think the reason why it took me 7 years to sort through my room was simple: I didn’t want to face the past. For so long, I didn’t feel emotionally ready for what I’d find. While I did not have a bad childhood, I shy away from the memories of it. I don’t remember the details of what was said or what was happening externally nearly as much as what I was feeling or thinking about a situation internally. 

As a child I knew that most people didn’t understand and didn’t go through the emotional heaviness I did all the time, and I thought they were SO lucky (and sometimes still do). How horrible I thought it was to care about everything! If you know the enneagram of personality, I tend toward type 4, and often filter memories through my emotions. For me, it is a serious emotional drain to bring any memory to mind at all, happy or sad. I tend to get either very melancholy or very sentimental. 

I think the hardest part about looking back on the past is remembering those specific instances of being so wrapped up in the emotional high or low of the moment that I often didn’t reach out beyond that to seek God. I was selfish with my emotional experiences and often didn’t let God, or other people, into them. Let’s just say a lot of bad poetry was written.  

Where was God?

I can point to a handful of moments where I absolutely can say, “God was speaking to me,” but it’s sad to me that my memories primarily hold the turmoil I went through. I simply didn’t know how to deal with it or let anyone in to help. I tried to just deal with interior struggles on my own. When it got very bad, I do recall praying for God’s help. Until I got older and started having doubts, I knew for sure He heard me. And now again as an adult, I know He heard me and He hears you as well. He is compassionate and forgiving no matter the messes we’ve made or find ourselves in. I do wish now that I had invited God along for the whole range of emotions back then instead of waiting for disaster, but it’s not worth dwelling on those sort of thoughts for too long, friends. All we can ever do is the next thing, right now. We can be so thankful knowing now that:

Our past may shape our habits and even our attitudes, but it does not define us. 

Thankfully, I am not defined by my past turmoil and missteps, and neither are you. In God’s mercy and grace, He makes us new. We can rest assured knowing that, while our past is still part of our story and need not be forgotten, it does not have to dictate our present, or our story’s ending. Colossians 3:15 says, you were called to peace. He asks us to put on love (v. 14) for He dearly love[d] us (v. 12). We have the ability to choose peace and love right now, no matter what our past looks like. 

So, as I sat among the scraps of my past, and the memories came, I didn’t get overwhelmed to the point of stopping and closing the door behind me this time. I hung on to these Biblical truths and chose to press on and press through the mess. 

Uniquely You.

It is only when we face the truth about ourselves and our past that we can move forward, grow, and eventually, find peace with ourselves. It is only when we stop beating ourselves down for the difficult things we deal with that we can honor what’s unique about who we are and what we are–beautiful creations of God. Whatever our particular struggles are, God made a way for each one of us to be made new through Jesus; He gives us the chance to have eternal life with Him, where the struggle of our old patterns and cycles of sin is over. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17). 

However, I found myself needing to repent, as I remembered and condemned the lost and broken girl I was, the one who messed up that relationship there, and said or chose the wrong thing over there. By condemning my past self, I had condemned my current self, for we are not to judge anyone, even ourselves. All those terrible things I’m thinking about myself, although maybe it’s not hurting anyone, it’s dishonoring one of God’s children. I had to ask God’s forgiveness for thinking so poorly of myself, because He didn’t think that about me. I’m not getting away with the sin of hurting someone, even if that person is myself. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:13). We must remember to honor God by honoring ourselves, who He made uniquely and in His very image. 

Gifts from God.

I know now that the very things I always tried to ignore, my emotions, were actually my superpower all along. I was designed to be able withstand heavy emotional situations–grief, despair, anguish, heartache–I’m intimately familiar with them all because I seemed to experience them every single day. Thankfully that is no longer the case…more like every other day. Now I can help people who are going through these emotions. That’s the superpower gift God gave to me. For that, I am deeply thankful. 

Wading through the wreckage of my past this week in my old room, with memory after memory washing over me was difficult, but no longer impossible. I share this to give you hope if you also avoid situations that bring back traumatic memories. It is possible to heal. God has made a way. I found cards from family members that have passed away. I found cards that I wrote to people but never sent. I found photographs of me with people I am no longer in touch with, and books I felt were closer than friends that I would read over and over. But I was comforted by the fact that these draining or painful memories had faded, and would fade again, because now Jesus is my light. He is the light in my heart. He is the reason I can dance with joy again. I will perpetuate your memory through all generations; therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever. (Psalm 45:17). Through all of time as we know it, His memory lives on. 

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Confidence in The Promises of God

I go through these times when my inner space is filled with noise to the point where being calm isn’t even an option. I’m still very much in the process of learning to actually use the anxiety-reducing “tools” that help–breathing, for instance. I’m not very good at that. Or staying still. Not so good at that either. Or limiting the amount of content I watch in a day or a week. That’s definitely a work in progress. I’m writing to myself today, as much as to you, my fantastic readers, because this week, I’m in one of those states where I just feel scattered. Maybe you’ve experienced this too. It might last a few hours or a few weeks, but these are the times when I need to remember the Truth of God’s promises the most. 

When I’m feeling this way, it’s easy to forget God entirely and focus on myself. This is what’s so dangerous about it. It’s easy to only hear the noise and feel that God isn’t there after all, and pretty soon my mind starts telling me that He’s not speaking to me, that He’s disappointed in me, or that He’s punishing me. My mind goes there, 0 to 60, despite all I’ve learned and all I’ve experienced and all the ways I’ve grown spiritually. I still need to pick up my cross daily, just as we all do. I’ve been reminded a lot of this lately, that it’s not a one-and-done deal to follow Jesus. I have to work at it every single day. On days like today, it’s especially difficult because the less my mind can focus, the more prone I can be to self-deprecating lies.  

One particular lie I’ve been wrestling with lately is, the more you do, the better you are. Thinking this is a guarantee of getting into a swirl like the one I’m in. When I’m busy doing things, I hurry. I hurry to try to make a deadline for work or hurry to make an appointment on time or (cringe) hurry through my devotion time. In the book by Alan Fadling, An Unhurried Life, he writes that when we hurry, we’re actually committing violence to ourselves. I think this is at least part of where my sense of being scattered comes from; that violence splinters something in me. It reduces me to being what I can do or produce in a day, instead of being myself. When I commit violence to myself, I’m doing exactly what my sinful nature wants: weakening not only my spirit but also my resolve to treat myself as a child of God, with respect. I start putting myself down, pushing myself to do even more, and losing myself in the process. Needless to say, this is an unhealthy cycle but getting out of it is easier said than done. 

Sure, breathing helps my body to calm down and deal with the adrenaline overload a bit better, it gets a little more oxygen into my overactive brain. Staying still, or stopping activity, can help to diffuse the stress of and in the moment. Limiting content can help keep my brain from being overstimulated. But, none of these tools actually address the real issue, only the symptoms. So, what REALLY helps? What is the real weapon against the lies that can splinter our souls? Along with prayer, the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17), is a powerful weapon. In the Word, God provides His promises. I take great comfort in them and the fact that they are True despite every swirl and every situation I may find myself in. Stopping to speak them aloud or meditate on them in my heart brings God into clearer focus. We must never forget to resist the devil, and he will flee… (James 4:7). Here I’d like to share three of my most treasured promises of God (there are hundreds!):

1. God promises to never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5). 

When I started believing the Bible is True, I discovered something amazing–there are SO many promises to hope and have confidence in! To discover them while also believing they were True without a doubt was, and is, an unexplainably great gift. When I’m flooded with negative thoughts, remembering His promise never to leave us nor forsake us is a huge comfort. When I feel full of negativity and doubt, it’s easy to feel lost and that God isn’t there. But, the Truth is that He has already promised otherwise. He is there, even when we can’t see it or feel it or experience it, He is with us! We don’t have to do anything to earn it. As my wise sister Abby once told me, it’s not about what you can do; it’s about what He did for us.  

2. God promises that He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, and to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

When I was experiencing violence to my soul, reading this promise and finally believing it was True was perhaps the most life-giving thing I’d ever heard. It was as if I’d never heard it before; I read it with a new heart, finally ready to receive what God had offered me long before I was even born. I had been at a point where I believed I had no future, that the odds were stacked against me, and that God, if He was there at all, didn’t care. How beautiful this promise was to see with fresh eyes! I had basically given up planning for a future, but took new hope in the promise that God really did have one in mind for me, for, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31). 

3. God promises to restore all things (Acts 3:21).

The awareness I’ve gained of the world’s brokenness and my own brokenness can be difficult to bear at times. But thanks to God’s promise, I can rejoice that He will restore it all and that at His appointed time, [t]here will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain (Revelation 21:4). My hope is in Him, who is bigger than any problem you or I may face, and who has promised to restore what has been broken in and around us. What incredible hope we can find in His promises to us! What reason to live and endure and bring His hope to this world! Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4). 

It takes faith to believe in the promises of God, it’s certainly not a popular thing. But I’ve tried it the other way and there was nothing for me there. No hope, no meaning, no future in sight. Stepping confidently forward in faith, everything changes and suddenly, all things are possible. Thanks be to God.  

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. -Psalm 27:3

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her! -Luke 1:45

Further suggested reading:  An Unhurried Life by Alan Fadling

The Grace Upon Grace blog (www.graceupongrace.space) by Abby King

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10 Ways to Help Someone Struggling with Faith

I have shared how to handle being the one struggling with faith in my post, “What To Do When You Struggle with Faith.” In this post, I’ll be sharing ways that we can help someone who is going through this transformative and very painful process. I certainly don’t claim that these ten “dos and don’ts” will apply to everyone, but these include some helpful things people said or did for me. I also include a few things that now looking back on my experience are things I would have felt supported and loved by. People that are going through this process have a hard road, and they need the people who love them and who they trust to be there for them. It isn’t easy to do, and it can be easy to misstep. There is extra grace required (EGR) for people in this plight. Here are some ways we can try to do that for the amazing, brave, and growing truth-seekers in our lives!

1. Love first.

We’ve probably heard it more times than we can count, “love one another,” perhaps from John 13 or Romans 13, but what does it look like to love someone who is questioning everything, who is finding their way, and probably takes everything you say at arm’s length because that’s just where they are? It looks like honoring their process. It looks like showing an attitude of humility instead of judgment. It looks like being present with them in their pain, even if it’s only for just a moment. Loving them means letting them know they’re not alone to deal with the weight of the world, because that’s what it can feel like.  

What Not To Do: The Don’ts to Avoid

2. Do not give any advice or your opinions (unless asked). 

For crying out loud, do not suggest that they “just get out more” and “have more fun.” Believe me, they’ve thought of that and they’d probably love to do that if they could. There is no way someone can just forget about everything they are struggling with because their very way of being in the world is hanging in the balance. Even just walking out the door can present too many decisions to make without a solid framework. For me, I was concerned about hurting other people in the process. I was concerned about misleading them into thinking I was a certain way when really I was just acting like I thought I should act; I wasn’t being myself. Not only does advising or suggesting anything (before you’ve really, thoroughly heard them out) come across as dismissive of their feelings and the vulnerability they’ve shared with you, but this is also a clear sign that you haven’t really had compassion for their situation. Show compassion at all times for their struggle, even if it’s never been your own, and you can’t go too wrong. 

3. Recognize that while “It’s going to be okay,” might be a great catch-all phrase to say in many other situations where someone is struggling, this might not be the one in which to use it. This is probably not going to be a comforting or helpful thing to say here. There is a difference though between saying it after you’ve explained Biblical Truth to them in a way that encourages them and offers the hope and love of Jesus, and saying it after they’ve expressed their broken heart to you. If the latter, steer clear of this overused, one-size-fits-all phrase. It can easily sound dismissive to the vulnerable ears of someone in the form of an existential crisis. Though you might be trying to love and encourage them by saying this, it actually might be hurtful to them. 

4. Do not make light of the struggle they’ve shared with you. 

If you are privileged enough to have someone share their faith struggle with you, congratulations. You are (most likely) a safe person to them; this is a privilege. Take that seriously. If you don’t know something that they want to know, don’t pretend you do. Be honest and let them know you’ll look into it for them, and actually follow up on it. Don’t make light of something you don’t understand in this scenario because what you say will probably be taken seriously in some aspect. Don’t derail what they are probably inwardly exhausted by from the process of sharing with you. Keep an attitude that honors the weight of the person’s soul struggle. Honor their process, and feel honored that they are even willing to be around you when all they probably want to do is go be alone. 

5. Do not hide or downplay your own faith. 

Strong faith is encouraging to anyone seeking it. It is rare to find great faith. When I did, I was fascinated by it, astounded, even. I wanted to understand it, I wanted to understand how people could be so sure of anything. Just because someone else isn’t sure about their own faith doesn’t mean you have to hide your own to try to relate to them. Faith is a beautiful, powerful thing that can bring hope and light to someone’s feeling of hopelessness. If the opportunity comes, share your testimony with them. Share why you have hope and faith in Jesus. Don’t preach at them, but do share your story. Your story when told in a loving way can go way farther than the reaches of an internet article on faith or an inspirational quote. Let them know their pain is valid. Let them know how courageous they are to ask challenging questions about life in order to discover the truth. It may be the inspiration they need to keep going.

What To Do: The Dos

6. Listen to them.

Though someone might share something very real and personal with us about their faith, that doesn’t always mean they feel heard by us in turn. To really listen to someone is actually an incredibly rare skill that requires wisdom and practice. Cultivate the practice of really listening when someone shares something with you. Do you pay attention in a way that they feel heard and seen, or are you listening so that, in the next breath, you can feel heard and seen in your response? There is a big difference. Have the people who have opened up to you come back to you again to open up? If not, that might be a sign that your listening skills might not be ready yet for this job. Be more intentional about the art of listening to people’s hearts. Someone who needs support in their faith journey, if you’ve read this far, needs someone like you.  

7. Offer Truth if welcomed and if so, always speak the Truth in love.

Going back a bit to #3, Biblical Truth is the only sustaining anchor in a swirl like this one of faith. If you have the opportunity to speak Truth into the confusion, and love into the heartbreak, of this person, this is the most healing salve there is. Be sensitive to where this person is before you share. Are they in a pragmatic, logical frame of mind or a seeking, desiring to learn and understand frame of mind? Are they stoic and unexpressive, or are they fed up, frustrated, or sad? These things can serve as vital signs that can indicate what they are open to hearing. Always speak in love, but if you’re seeing their desire to learn and understand or if they’re showing emotional readiness for change, speak that Truth! 

8. Offer to be there for them (if you actually can/will be), and be supportive of their growth process.

Do not offer to be there for someone if you can’t. Just please don’t ever do that. This goes for any situation, really. It can be extra tough not to if you’re feeling a sense of obligation or guilt or pity in the moment, but in the long run it’s better if you’re honest. But if you can be there, if you can hang in there with the person, Lord bless you. Check on them every week or two and ask how they are physically (are they sleeping? eating?) and emotionally (are they feeling numb? shame? frustration?)*. Ask what faith-related or spiritual life questions they have been preoccupied with lately (because there’s always something). Just taking an interest is huge; it can be such a shameful thing to struggle with faith, so to bring that shame to light by allowing them to share it openly in this way with you may be a crucial part of shedding the burden. It’s also part of the growth process to dip one’s toes in the realm of being out in the world again. If they ask you to go with them to an event or any place where other people are around, try to help them feel welcomed there even if they are withdrawn. The fact that they are even there is most likely a huge step for them. Telling someone, “I believe you can do it!” can go a long, long way.  

*For anyone who is dealing with serious emotional problems, these questions should be handled by a mental health professional.

9. Pray.

It is important to remember to give the situation to God and recognize that ultimately that person and their heart is in His hands. Pray that they would grow in their faith journey. Pray that they would be able to come to a place of rest and healing in Jesus. Pray for yourself to be able to help them in the ways you can and to speak and show love to them. Pray that you would have the same compassion for them as God has, asking to see the person with His eyes.  

10. Show grace. 

It is so important to reflect the grace of God back to someone who either feels they’ve fallen from it or maybe never knew what grace was to begin with. Grace is getting what we don’t deserve, it’s unjust in the most beautiful way. It’s undeserved kindness, “…God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance” (Romans 2:4). God has been radically, astoundingly, magnificently kind to me, and to you. If we can show God’s grace to people who are suffering, we can offer the Truth and the hope that they are not lost. That they are not too far gone. That there is grace and peace in Jesus. If we can do that, we may even be privy to witness the beauty of a heart transformed.  

Further suggested reading: What To Do When You Struggle with Faith

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” -John 13:34

“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another…” -Romans 13:8

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