Tag: God

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Ireland: Part II

I’m reminded every September of my trip to Ireland in 2012, so I thought I’d take some time this month to write about the experience. I’ve traveled a lot in my life, but that trip stands alone by far as the most restorative. As I wrote in Part I, “I had to rely on God to take care of me and keep me from harm” when I went to Ireland solo for two weeks. Just to clarify, this was not something I was very comfortable with, despite the God-nudge to go and the odd sense of peace I felt. In normal everyday life, I thought of myself as fairly independent and self-sufficient. Without really being aware of it, that attitude bled over into how it often was between me and God. But in Ireland, I didn’t know how things worked. I simply wasn’t familiar with the culture or how to navigate it. I wasn’t as able to blend in and take care of myself the way I could at home.

In Ireland, I had no choice but to rely on God’s protection. 

Besides sudden sustained sunshine, meeting only the kindness of people, and finding an elusive electric converter as detailed in Part I, there were many other ways God showed up for me in Ireland. But first, I had to be open to seeing and hearing Him. And that can be really difficult sometimes. 

I first became aware of how alone I was at dusk walking from my B&B in Tralee. I was trying to find the pub in town to have dinner. When I finally found it, the only people I remember seeing when I walked in the door were men. No children, no women. Just rowdy American white men. I was suddenly very aware of my surroundings and went on high alert. What if these guys are gross? Drunk? Violent? Pushy? Invasive? “Rescue me, Lord, from evildoers; protect me from the violent . . .” (Psalm 140:1).

There were maybe only 12 of them, but they seemed to take up the whole restaurant. I watched them ask for pictures with the pretty redheaded waitress, trying not to judge them too quickly. I just wanted to sit at the bar and eat dinner; I didn’t need disgust ruining my palette. I was starving and not about to let them stop me. I mustered all my confidence and marched up to the bar and sat down. Sure enough, they noticed me and asked a million questions, but generally were amazingly respectful (despite a comment or two I overheard about the waitress). Several of them said I was very brave for traveling alone in a tone of awe. One guy who I’d talked to for a while as I ate said that I reminded him of his daughter. That word gave me a lot of comfort. From that point on, I relaxed. I knew I’d be alright and that the guys wouldn’t give me reason to be afraid.   

Both in Dingle and Galway I stayed in hostels, meaning I was given a key to a room crammed with bunkbeds and several strangers each night. Anyone with access to the room had access to my stuff–my plane ticket information to get home was probably the most valuable and I kept my passport on me at all times. But, nothing was ever touched. Among strangers, it was very clear;

God provides protection. “The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me” (Psalm 116:6). 

While in Tralee I visited the Rose Garden just a week after the annual rose festival. That’s where I met Jimmy who I call “the bike man,” a lovely old Irish gentleman who stopped his bike to greet me and strike up what became a long and very deep conversation. At one point, he said, “we always think about feeding the body, but we rarely take care to feed the soul.” In the green landscape with kind faces everywhere I went, my soul was certainly being fed. I was seeing God revealed on earth through beauty and kindness in the Irish community and it felt fresh every day. Jimmy asked me if I believed in heaven and when I said yes he asked me where it was. I don’t recall what I said exactly, but he smiled and said, “No, love. Heaven is here on earth.” Indeed, God is not somewhere “out there,” He’s right here. “The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress” (Psalm 46:7). 

There was a rumor that the tours of the Ring of Kerry had stopped running for the season, but my bed & breakfast hostess Mary kindly searched for me and found an excellent one. On the bus I met an older man named Michael with his wife. Michael was my buddy both on and off the bus. He told me story after story about his life and his family in his Irish accent, laughing often. He also kindly attempted to use my camera and take a few photos of me (these were pre-selfie stick times!). He reminded me of what my own grandfather would do or say and with the same love in his eyes. I thought how silly it was to be afraid when traveling could be like this. I spotted a quote at the Killarney bus station after the tour written in graffiti that oddly seemed intended just for me, “Fear is the only darkness.” In His provision of Michael to be my kind companion on this day of the journey, God had dispelled all my fears.  

God provides people to be with us on the journey. “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11).  

On my bus into Dingle, I chatted with two American students sitting across the aisle from me. After I got off the bus, I didn’t know my way so I stopped to look at my map. A dark-haired boy I’d seen on my bus asked if I needed directions and gave exact details as to how to find my hostel. He said he’d overheard me talking about Galway and suggested I go, saying I’d have the “time of my life” there. Then he left. I followed his directions and got to my hostel much more quickly than I would have otherwise–how long would it have taken me to realize I had to walk through a grocery store to get to the street I needed to find? That was a first for me, so probably all day. The dark-haired boy’s guidance and kindness was so vital to my first day in Dingle, even then I recognized it as a way God was looking out for me. And even more so after actually having the time of my life in Galway!

When I got to my last day in Dingle, I hadn’t explored much beyond the town and wanted to see more of the peninsula. I waited hours for a tour only to find out it was canceled because there was a 3-person minimum. I was the only one there. The tour guide, a big, blue-eyed man named John, saw the disappointment on my face there in the Dingle visitor center and had pity on me. He agreed to take me on a short private tour. We got to talking, and I ended up receiving a full tour, with a very special stop that I am still so grateful for, to the most beautiful beach in Ireland, Com Dhineol. It was magical, otherworldly. I must’ve had the most elated expression when I returned to the tour van because John told me that he’d said to himself, “She thinks she’s in heaven.” I quickly replied, “I am!” After many stops at cliff overlooks and beaches and ancient ruins, at the end of the tour the last thing I said to John was, “Thanks for showing me heaven!” He beamed back at me. 

The day I arrived in Galway, I was placed in a hostel room with two teenage girls. They invited me along with them to a club and though I was sleep deprived, at the time I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity. I enjoyed adventuring with them, however, the soul-level peace I had experienced up to that point took a hit. I was suddenly in a fast paced, loud environment and saw things I’d rather not have seen. Thankfully, the next day, I took a tour of Connemara and spent most of the day at Kylemore Abbey, one of the most peaceful places I’ve been. The tour bus driver was extremely nice to me, and let me sit up front, in “the Queen’s Seat.” That tour, like John’s tour, was exactly what my soul craved–space, quiet, and time to enjoy life and the beauty of God’s creation. The day at the Abbey was one of my most joyful, ever. Without delay, God again provided another opportunity for the inner rest and restoration.   

God provides what we need. “But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one” (2 Thessalonians 3:3).

I fell asleep on the bus from Galway to Limerick, the very last leg of my journey in Ireland before heading to the airport. I cannot recall ever falling asleep in public when alone before, or since, for that matter. After two weeks of seeing God work over and over to protect me, I was finally able to accept God’s gift of rest, and trust that He was protecting me even while I slept. But still, it took the two-week journey through Ireland to get there. It takes a journey for many of us to experience and recognize God’s protection. Trusting God is simple but it’s not easy. But, it’s worth every bit of the journey. Press on friends! I encourage you to find His faithfulness out for yourself.  

In Part I, I wrote, “There is something about travel that heightens awareness, that allows us to tap into something that we have numbed ourselves to in our everyday surroundings.” I pray that we might be and remain aware and alert enough each day to notice and appreciate the countless ways God provides for us. 

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20).

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Ireland: Part I

Have you ever traveled to a new place that felt like you were coming home for the first time in your life? That was Ireland to me. I always get nostalgic for Ireland in September; this year marks 7 years since the September I entered my first international terminal. I took this trip alone. I was 24 and I needed to get away. I needed a fresh start. I needed to find out who I was away from everyone I knew. 

To Ireland, alone?

It all started several months before the trip, when I got a very clear, strong nudge, that I could only conclude was God’s nudge, to go to Ireland. The idea to go to a place I didn’t know alone was kind of crazy to me and my logical mind, but this nudge in my heart told me that doing this was the right choice. From that point on, I felt a strange peace about it. I did the unthinkable, and bought my plane ticket without a plan, “Who even am I?” I thought at the time. But there was a huge grin on my face. 

When the time came to board my plane, I had my nightly stops planned out, but enough room to wander if I wanted. This was not a jam-packed trip, as those tourist-filled trips tended to make me anxious; instead each stop was intentional, deliberate, and without rush. Perfect. I needed to slow down and take unhurried time to figure out what God had for me in Ireland. I didn’t know anything about it other than a few of my aunt’s stories from her trip years before, but all of her stories sounded like exactly what I needed–greenery, kind people, and a simple love for the earth and for life itself. I hoped her stories would be true for me too. 

On the plane I marveled at how calm I was. I was sitting next to strangers, many of them Irish, bolting through the air across the Atlantic Ocean all night long toward Shannon International Airport. Once I arrived, I would have no way to contact anyone I knew, and they wouldn’t be able to contact me, until I got a little Irish prepaid phone for emergencies. I planned to post Facebook updates and update my travel blog when I could find an internet cafe or library so that my family knew I wasn’t dead. But I was okay with all of that. What a delicious new freedom it was to have so little safety net! I had to rely on God to take care of me and keep me from harm. I was so happy, despite the jet-lag, when I arrived early in the Irish morning. It was sunny.

Limerick

At my hotel in Limerick, the man behind the bar who served me coffee said that it had rained quite solidly with no sun in months, the wettest summer they’d had in 50 years, and that it must have had something to do with me. I knew he was teasing, but something about it struck me. To me, it was a sign that God was taking care of me here already. Even tottering around on the brick walkways in town jet-lagged, I didn’t fall, twist an ankle, or get mugged (which I later learned was a real possibility in that part of town).

Before I headed to my next stop, I needed to charge my camera because I planned to take copious amounts of pictures of everything, but the electric converter I had brought from home didn’t work. So, I set out again in seedy Limerick to find a converter. The first place I went I met Marcus, a Chilean man with an Irish accent. He was one of the first angels God sent to take care of me, even though he didn’t have any converters to sell me. Instead, he told me exactly where to go to find one, and warned me to be careful in there. Once I left, I knew what he meant, but I got what I needed and went back to show him. He made sure that it worked for me and sent me off. The kindness of people in Ireland just astounded me. I wouldn’t be as trusting of anyone in the US, but everyone I encountered truly was kind. What a gift!

Limerick was the very first place I went in my trip, and the most developed, but it held one of the most beautiful spots. I wandered onto the greenest church grounds you’ve ever seen at St. Mary’s cathedral in the evening, right before it closed. I only had time to peek inside for a moment. The stained glass, curved ceiling, and gold chandeliers made quite an impression on me. I thought quite a bit about God and what His role was in my life during this trip and in general. But He met me in the garden at St. Mary’s. I lingered on the church grounds after the doors closed. The gardens were quiet, lined with stone, and alive. The atmosphere tingled with life and the wisdom of a long history. Then I saw it. There was a quote on the wall that said, “One never feels closer to God’s heart than when in a garden.” 

Walking with God in the garden

It wasn’t just another quote, this one was different. In the spiritual sense, these words shimmered and danced. They struck me as if God was speaking these words directly to me. I paused there a while. I knew God wanted me close. He invited me to get to know His heart, and here in this moment He knew I was ready to hear that invitation. He invites you to the same, but in your own time. He will invite us all in His way that uniquely stirs our heart to find His. This experience established the Ireland trip in my mind as walking on holy ground with God. He would be teaching me as we walked. 

I later came to treasure Genesis 3:8-9, because it speaks of the holy ground I was actually on walking in the little Irish garden. “Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’” (Genesis 3:8-9). This passage makes me ache knowing the longing in God’s heart. He longs to enjoy the garden with us. He wants to walk with us as we walk, to see our delight in being where we are, living the life He gave us. How often do I truly remember that His intention was always to walk alongside us? How often do I invite Him along for my walk? Finally, how often do I feel too “busy” to spend time with God in the first place?

There is something about travel that heightens awareness, that allows us to tap into something that we have numbed ourselves to in our everyday surroundings. Back then during the trip, I wrote in my journal, “I think travel is and will continue to be a great opportunity to seek God, finding Him and His love everywhere, in everything, no matter what country I happen to be in.” In Ireland, I was so nimbly able to see God’s love working. The spiritual experience that travel can be is truly amazing and worthwhile. Getting out of my comfort zone and trusting God with the trip is one of my favorite memories. I would encourage anyone to go to a country of great natural beauty and take unhurried time to talk to God and marvel at His incredible creation. 

This past spring, I was fortunate enough to go on a silent retreat to be alone with God. For the first time since that day in Ireland, I felt that same invitation from God as I was walking in the woods past the green leaves of the trees. Suddenly, I knew I was walking with God here. That wood became sacred ground. And this time, I cried tears of joy.  

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Facing Memories

There’s nothing quite like going through old memories. Have you ever opened an old trunk in your attic or gone through a closet that doesn’t get much use and find things that used to be so important to you but you’d forgotten all about them? My project this week was to go through my childhood room at my parents’ house. I haven’t lived there for about 7 years, and the room is now needed for purposes other than holding the odds and ends I’ve left behind. I had tried to look through some of it over the years, but each time I never got very far. This time, as I sat on the floor, the books, flash drives, CDs, clothes, jewelry, tickets from shows, even my preschool graduation certificate (which I have no memory of ever seeing before), brought up memories that weren’t always happy or easy. In those 3 or 4 hours of sorting, I held each bit of paper, each book–each memory–and really looked at it. When holding some of the items no memories came up, but with the majority, a memory association came right along with it. And there were hundreds of items!

It think the reason why it took me 7 years to sort through my room was simple: I didn’t want to face the past. For so long, I didn’t feel emotionally ready for what I’d find. While I did not have a bad childhood, I shy away from the memories of it. I don’t remember the details of what was said or what was happening externally nearly as much as what I was feeling or thinking about a situation internally. 

As a child I knew that most people didn’t understand and didn’t go through the emotional heaviness I did all the time, and I thought they were SO lucky (and sometimes still do). How horrible I thought it was to care about everything! If you know the enneagram of personality, I tend toward type 4, and often filter memories through my emotions. For me, it is a serious emotional drain to bring any memory to mind at all, happy or sad. I tend to get either very melancholy or very sentimental. 

I think the hardest part about looking back on the past is remembering those specific instances of being so wrapped up in the emotional high or low of the moment that I often didn’t reach out beyond that to seek God. I was selfish with my emotional experiences and often didn’t let God, or other people, into them. Let’s just say a lot of bad poetry was written.  

Where was God?

I can point to a handful of moments where I absolutely can say, “God was speaking to me,” but it’s sad to me that my memories primarily hold the turmoil I went through. I simply didn’t know how to deal with it or let anyone in to help. I tried to just deal with interior struggles on my own. When it got very bad, I do recall praying for God’s help. Until I got older and started having doubts, I knew for sure He heard me. And now again as an adult, I know He heard me and He hears you as well. He is compassionate and forgiving no matter the messes we’ve made or find ourselves in. I do wish now that I had invited God along for the whole range of emotions back then instead of waiting for disaster, but it’s not worth dwelling on those sort of thoughts for too long, friends. All we can ever do is the next thing, right now. We can be so thankful knowing now that:

Our past may shape our habits and even our attitudes, but it does not define us. 

Thankfully, I am not defined by my past turmoil and missteps, and neither are you. In God’s mercy and grace, He makes us new. We can rest assured knowing that, while our past is still part of our story and need not be forgotten, it does not have to dictate our present, or our story’s ending. Colossians 3:15 says, you were called to peace. He asks us to put on love (v. 14) for He dearly love[d] us (v. 12). We have the ability to choose peace and love right now, no matter what our past looks like. 

So, as I sat among the scraps of my past, and the memories came, I didn’t get overwhelmed to the point of stopping and closing the door behind me this time. I hung on to these Biblical truths and chose to press on and press through the mess. 

Uniquely You.

It is only when we face the truth about ourselves and our past that we can move forward, grow, and eventually, find peace with ourselves. It is only when we stop beating ourselves down for the difficult things we deal with that we can honor what’s unique about who we are and what we are–beautiful creations of God. Whatever our particular struggles are, God made a way for each one of us to be made new through Jesus; He gives us the chance to have eternal life with Him, where the struggle of our old patterns and cycles of sin is over. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17). 

However, I found myself needing to repent, as I remembered and condemned the lost and broken girl I was, the one who messed up that relationship there, and said or chose the wrong thing over there. By condemning my past self, I had condemned my current self, for we are not to judge anyone, even ourselves. All those terrible things I’m thinking about myself, although maybe it’s not hurting anyone, it’s dishonoring one of God’s children. I had to ask God’s forgiveness for thinking so poorly of myself, because He didn’t think that about me. I’m not getting away with the sin of hurting someone, even if that person is myself. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:13). We must remember to honor God by honoring ourselves, who He made uniquely and in His very image. 

Gifts from God.

I know now that the very things I always tried to ignore, my emotions, were actually my superpower all along. I was designed to be able withstand heavy emotional situations–grief, despair, anguish, heartache–I’m intimately familiar with them all because I seemed to experience them every single day. Thankfully that is no longer the case…more like every other day. Now I can help people who are going through these emotions. That’s the superpower gift God gave to me. For that, I am deeply thankful. 

Wading through the wreckage of my past this week in my old room, with memory after memory washing over me was difficult, but no longer impossible. I share this to give you hope if you also avoid situations that bring back traumatic memories. It is possible to heal. God has made a way. I found cards from family members that have passed away. I found cards that I wrote to people but never sent. I found photographs of me with people I am no longer in touch with, and books I felt were closer than friends that I would read over and over. But I was comforted by the fact that these draining or painful memories had faded, and would fade again, because now Jesus is my light. He is the light in my heart. He is the reason I can dance with joy again. I will perpetuate your memory through all generations; therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever. (Psalm 45:17). Through all of time as we know it, His memory lives on. 

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Confidence in The Promises of God

I go through these times when my inner space is filled with noise to the point where being calm isn’t even an option. I’m still very much in the process of learning to actually use the anxiety-reducing “tools” that help–breathing, for instance. I’m not very good at that. Or staying still. Not so good at that either. Or limiting the amount of content I watch in a day or a week. That’s definitely a work in progress. I’m writing to myself today, as much as to you, my fantastic readers, because this week, I’m in one of those states where I just feel scattered. Maybe you’ve experienced this too. It might last a few hours or a few weeks, but these are the times when I need to remember the Truth of God’s promises the most. 

When I’m feeling this way, it’s easy to forget God entirely and focus on myself. This is what’s so dangerous about it. It’s easy to only hear the noise and feel that God isn’t there after all, and pretty soon my mind starts telling me that He’s not speaking to me, that He’s disappointed in me, or that He’s punishing me. My mind goes there, 0 to 60, despite all I’ve learned and all I’ve experienced and all the ways I’ve grown spiritually. I still need to pick up my cross daily, just as we all do. I’ve been reminded a lot of this lately, that it’s not a one-and-done deal to follow Jesus. I have to work at it every single day. On days like today, it’s especially difficult because the less my mind can focus, the more prone I can be to self-deprecating lies.  

One particular lie I’ve been wrestling with lately is, the more you do, the better you are. Thinking this is a guarantee of getting into a swirl like the one I’m in. When I’m busy doing things, I hurry. I hurry to try to make a deadline for work or hurry to make an appointment on time or (cringe) hurry through my devotion time. In the book by Alan Fadling, An Unhurried Life, he writes that when we hurry, we’re actually committing violence to ourselves. I think this is at least part of where my sense of being scattered comes from; that violence splinters something in me. It reduces me to being what I can do or produce in a day, instead of being myself. When I commit violence to myself, I’m doing exactly what my sinful nature wants: weakening not only my spirit but also my resolve to treat myself as a child of God, with respect. I start putting myself down, pushing myself to do even more, and losing myself in the process. Needless to say, this is an unhealthy cycle but getting out of it is easier said than done. 

Sure, breathing helps my body to calm down and deal with the adrenaline overload a bit better, it gets a little more oxygen into my overactive brain. Staying still, or stopping activity, can help to diffuse the stress of and in the moment. Limiting content can help keep my brain from being overstimulated. But, none of these tools actually address the real issue, only the symptoms. So, what REALLY helps? What is the real weapon against the lies that can splinter our souls? Along with prayer, the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17), is a powerful weapon. In the Word, God provides His promises. I take great comfort in them and the fact that they are True despite every swirl and every situation I may find myself in. Stopping to speak them aloud or meditate on them in my heart brings God into clearer focus. We must never forget to resist the devil, and he will flee… (James 4:7). Here I’d like to share three of my most treasured promises of God (there are hundreds!):

1. God promises to never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5). 

When I started believing the Bible is True, I discovered something amazing–there are SO many promises to hope and have confidence in! To discover them while also believing they were True without a doubt was, and is, an unexplainably great gift. When I’m flooded with negative thoughts, remembering His promise never to leave us nor forsake us is a huge comfort. When I feel full of negativity and doubt, it’s easy to feel lost and that God isn’t there. But, the Truth is that He has already promised otherwise. He is there, even when we can’t see it or feel it or experience it, He is with us! We don’t have to do anything to earn it. As my wise sister Abby once told me, it’s not about what you can do; it’s about what He did for us.  

2. God promises that He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, and to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

When I was experiencing violence to my soul, reading this promise and finally believing it was True was perhaps the most life-giving thing I’d ever heard. It was as if I’d never heard it before; I read it with a new heart, finally ready to receive what God had offered me long before I was even born. I had been at a point where I believed I had no future, that the odds were stacked against me, and that God, if He was there at all, didn’t care. How beautiful this promise was to see with fresh eyes! I had basically given up planning for a future, but took new hope in the promise that God really did have one in mind for me, for, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31). 

3. God promises to restore all things (Acts 3:21).

The awareness I’ve gained of the world’s brokenness and my own brokenness can be difficult to bear at times. But thanks to God’s promise, I can rejoice that He will restore it all and that at His appointed time, [t]here will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain (Revelation 21:4). My hope is in Him, who is bigger than any problem you or I may face, and who has promised to restore what has been broken in and around us. What incredible hope we can find in His promises to us! What reason to live and endure and bring His hope to this world! Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4). 

It takes faith to believe in the promises of God, it’s certainly not a popular thing. But I’ve tried it the other way and there was nothing for me there. No hope, no meaning, no future in sight. Stepping confidently forward in faith, everything changes and suddenly, all things are possible. Thanks be to God.  

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. -Psalm 27:3

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her! -Luke 1:45

Further suggested reading:  An Unhurried Life by Alan Fadling

The Grace Upon Grace blog (www.graceupongrace.space) by Abby King

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How Volunteering with Teens Changed My Life

I remember the day my younger sister brought up the idea of volunteering to me. She had been leading a small group of teen girls at her church for months, and one day, out of nowhere, suggested that I try it too. I had only been attending her church’s services for about a month, and only started following Jesus about six months before that. I imagine I quickly developed a skeptical, almost angry look on my face, the one that I’ve seen on my mom’s face a million times when something doesn’t fit her plans. I don’t remember what I said exactly, but I remember feeling completely blindsided. Why would anyone ever want me to work with teens, especially as someone just starting to rediscover faith? And I’m so socially awkward! I never got along with teens, or understood them even when I was one. Honestly, I avoided them as much as possible, especially after high school. 

“Do they know I’m not like you?” I asked my sister. Abby is bubbly, outgoing, friendly, and cheerful. I was anything but. If she was in, I must certainly be out. That’s why her suggestion to be a leader confused me. Who in their right mind would want me to do what she does? If I tried, I would surely be found out as the damaged person I am and I could already see the awkward scene. The youth ministry staff would come up to me after observing my reticism and say, “Sorry Amy, you’re just not what we had in mind for this after all.” Why would I put myself in that position if I already knew the ending? I shared all these fears with Abby. She knows me better than most people, but she didn’t agree. 

All she said was, “Just think about it. You could just try it out.” Her optimism astounded me. It also gave me a tiny bit of hope. If she thought I could do it, knowing all my issues, then maybe I could. But man, was I unqualified. 

I thought about it a lot and prayed, “God, this is so not my thing,” and, “Can you believe this?” The nudge in my spirit to “just try it” never went away. The nudge grew into a knowing that I needed to say yes. A few weeks later, in November 2016, I decided to go. Just to feel it out. Just to observe. Just to try it.

God has something in mind for us. But first, He asks for our yes. 

I was still very new at learning how to know God’s will and tell it apart from my own. To this day, asking me to say yes to youth group is one of the clearest nudges I’ve gotten from God. I did not want to say yes but I knew, strangely without a doubt, that He wanted me to. So, I did. 

The first day was not clear like the nudge had been. It was overwhelming and loud and I don’t think I said more than a few words to any of the teens. However, the small group discussion I shadowed made me appreciate Abby’s role all the more. She led in a relatable way and was able to bring the discussion back around to the sermon topic when it veered off. I watched in awe. How was I ever going to do that? These girls talked to Abby like they were her best friends, but they barely even looked in my direction. The flashbacks to high school were strong. I wrestled with God later that night, “Is this really where you want me?” I wondered if I could be genuine with these strange earthlings called teenagers who just by their presence brought every bit of adolescent insecurity I had stuffed down over the years right back up to the surface. Sharing my experiences with them, or anyone, was a struggle. The nudge didn’t fade. So, I went again the next week. 

God blesses our obedience.

Right around that time, I read Matthew 18:1-7, in which Jesus uses a child as an example for His disciples to follow as a lesson in humility. His words in this passage spoke to me of starting over, becoming simple like a child again, and repenting of my pride. I knew I was making youth group way too complicated and difficult. I would have to lean entirely on God’s strength if I was going to do this. Nothing about volunteering at youth group were strengths of mine: talking to teens, speaking in front of a group and keeping their attention, understanding Scripture enough to teach about it, and giving advice when I barely knew how to say hello. I was being called to an environment where I had no internal strengths to fall back on, and I could only lean on His. 

In our weakness, God is strong.

Now looking back, I believe He wanted me to learn what that feels like. I had been going on my own strength for so long, getting by on my own limited understanding of what I could and couldn’t do. God invited me to take a rest, a real one. Being strong is exhausting, and it isn’t necessary to be strong all the time because He is strong for us. In my journal, after several months of showing up at youth group, slowly getting to know the teens and slowly letting them know me, I wrote, “I want to be generous, but maybe I’m not. I want to be kind, maybe I’m not, I want to be loving, but maybe I’m just not. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe God actually is made perfect in my weakness, and I could only be generous, kind, and loving because of God–and I’d be made fully aware of it.”  

I did not think that teens were wise at all until I listened to their questions in small group. Gen Z is a lot wiser than I originally gave them credit for. They ask incredibly complex questions about life, keeping me and my co-leaders seeking answers in the Bible. 

The teens and the leaders grew and learned together.

As leaders we weren’t only giving to and serving them, but they were giving so much back to us. We admitted that we don’t have all the answers, but promised to seek the Truth from the Bible along with them. We offered to always help them research their questions, but admitted that we wouldn’t always know the answers. 

The teens pushed us to be smarter, to know the Bible better, and to show more grace. They saw things in fresh ways that we didn’t. They challenged us and still loved us after a sometimes-heated discussion was over. Watching and participating in this week after week showed me what the love of the church looks like. Now, I see teens as some of the most accepting, welcoming, and loving people I know. They are truly the ones who welcomed me back into the church family. Given all my teen-related baggage, I’d call that a miracle. 

If teens were my greeters at the front doors of the church, the other youth leaders were my brothers and sisters sitting next to me in the pews. They accepted and loved me as I was from the very beginning, no questions asked. Every week, they wanted to hear how I really was. They listened when I needed to vent. They never preached at me, they prayed for me, and they encouraged me. I never, not even once, felt a hint of judgment from any of them. Their humility and servant hearts astounded me. 

I was nervous when Abby stepped down a few months in that I would have a harder time fitting in with everyone, but they always made me feel like one of them, even though I felt so painfully different. Their faith and love for Jesus and people inspire me and push me forward. Their lack of judgment eventually helped push me enough to volunteer to give a message, after two years of serving alongside them. I stood on the auditorium stage under bright lights in front of hundreds of eyes, quite a long way from that first awkward day where I had no confidence. The very thing I was so scared of, talking to teens and speaking in front of a group–and here I was, willingly doing both! Jesus’ unconditional love reached right through everyone at youth group towards me. His love, the love of the teens, and the love of the leaders changed everything for me. The love I found at youth group gave me hope for the local church. It gave me a new family and the confidence to be vulnerable.  

A farewell

I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity the youth ministry gave me to learn and grow alongside teens. God knew what He was doing, inviting me to lean only on His strength. I couldn’t do anything but let God lead my words and actions and not to force my way ahead without Him, every single time. 

Today is my last day at youth group as a leader. What an amazing journey it has been, I have learned so much! Just shy of three years, my time is now up. God has more lessons and plans for me in this new season. I am very sad that my youth ministry chapter is ending, but I also know it’s the right thing. I am forever grateful to God and to the youth ministry staff for giving me the privilege of serving with them. 

To God be all the glory. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. -Timothy 4:12

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Human Goodness: Why We’re Worth It

If you’ve ever thought that you’re not worth saving, I can relate. 

There was a time not so long ago when I thought 100% that I was doomed to fail. I had examined my patterns of thought and behavior long enough to recognize I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do or even wanted to do all the time, even when I tried. I was selfish, rude, prideful, impulsive, and I couldn’t stop. I thought, 

“The way I’m made, I just naturally do wrong things, and choose ‘bad,’ so what is the point of trying to be so ‘good’ all the time? Why would we need Jesus in the first place if there is nothing about us worth redeeming?”  

Lately I’ve been learning about Christian perspectives of mental health, and I was disturbed to find that some counselors assume that humans are not good. Their perspective would have lined up with this hopeless thought; I’m so glad I didn’t know this back then! It is true that some parts of the Bible seem to teach that humans are not basically good, when read at the surface level and the context is not taken into account. The Bible isn’t shy about admitting that humanity has messed up a lot. But I want to set the record straight. The Truth is that we were made good, meaning we have goodness within us as given by God our Creator. The Bible totally backs this, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good…” (Genesis 1:31). We humans have goodness in our very beings.

We are inherently good.

To ignore this is to ignore the very essence of our humanity. Origin stories matter. Especially if you’re a fan of superheroes, we love a good origin story; “all he had made” includes humankind, male and female (Genesis 1:27). God’s intention and original purpose for us still matters today, and should not be written off as an obscure detail or overlooked because of the messes that have followed, but instead remain a powerful source of great hope. 

While we all have sin in our hearts and are not all good, the battle between the flesh and the spirit ever-waging within us, God did not make us bad. To believe that we are all bad—where is the hope in that? This is not what the Word of God teaches. The Truth is, His intention was for us to be fully capable to choose goodness, righteousness, and self-control.  

God’s intentions for all humanity were good. No matter what happened afterward, we must remember that He set humanity up in our place of origin and called us good. How amazing! Today, we are still capable of choosing good. God did not intend for us to be dead in sin, but instead to be raised in life with Jesus (Romans 6:11-12). 

Goodness is part of our origin story. 

If God had truly made us entirely “bad” (not good), He would have set us up to fail, and you would have found me today in a hopeless state still thinking my hopeless thoughts. It would have been our ultimate death sentence of doom and despair. Not only is doing that to His Creation not in His loving nature, but what would ever make us able to choose good, to choose the way of His Spirit within us, if we were inherently bad in the first place? How could anyone choose the goodness of Jesus if nothing in our being recognizes, longs for, and cries out for it?

This mirror image effect brings me to my next point, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). If we were created in God’s image as this verse says, and we know He is good (Psalm 116:12, 2 Peter 1:3), Biblical counselors, Christian psychologists, and the like need to take great care. We cannot say to anyone, especially someone seeking help with their mental health, that humans are not at all good. It’s simply untrue.

We were made in God’s image.

It is important to note here that this does not mean that we can redeem ourselves. We still cannot choose only goodness and holiness if left to our own facilities; that story is also illustrated in Genesis. We all still have sin to wrestle with, for we all have a sinful nature. We need God to overcome what is not good in us. Even so, there is still hope for us because God saw the value in us and made a Way to save us through Jesus. Jesus brings us back to the goodness we lost so that we can be found again in the family of God. Jesus acknowledged that we are worth saving by His work on the cross. Our origins in Genesis 1:31 show that we were intended for good. Our original identity, no matter what you choose thereafter, is in the family of God. 

Jesus makes a Way back to the family of God. 

Particularly for those of us who struggle with mental health, we must remember that God provides hope. The beauty of God’s intention for us and the identity of goodness He gave us need to be recognized in the field of mental health, both from Christian and secular practitioners. We all desperately need hope, particularly those who seek psychological help for disorders that perpetuate unhelpful thoughts about ourselves and our identity. Mental health practitioners cannot afford to overlook the hope found in God’s character and what He’s given each one of us. To do so actually means putting their vulnerable patients at risk.

God created us to have hope and created reason for hope.

How hopeful is it that our Creator created us in His very image of goodness! Evil could not fully erase it from us, for God and His goodness is above all things.   

Finding a source of hope that doesn’t depend on a treatment, medication, or doctor is everything. To have hope you do not have to behave a certain way or think a certain way. You simply are worth saving because God made you so, and He made you good. 

“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.” -Romans 6:11-12

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3 Reasons I Believe the Bible is True

The Bible has been used in many ways throughout history to support human agendas that include violence or strict adherence to a set of isolating rules. Believers in the Bible still have a reputation for being judgmental, strict, and plain unfun. Talking about the Bible is not always easy because of its controversial past. 

I’ve heard the question asked, what is so compelling about an ancient book that’s been translated and adapted many times by men with their own biases, cultural understandings, and flaws? Why do we believe what it says and strive to model our lives by it?

I was taught stories from the Bible starting at a very young age–Adam and Eve, Noah’s Ark, Joseph’s coat, Daniel and the lion’s den, Moses and Joshua leading the Israelites out of Egypt, Jesus, the cross, and the empty tomb. I believed these stories to be true, just like most of the other Christian homeschoolers I knew. Fast forward to age 23, and my new, well-educated neighbors in Washington, DC challenged my belief that following the Bible was the best way to live. Indeed, to many of them it was just another opiate to quiet the masses in the political power scheme. Their arguments were enough to make me question what I believed about the Bible. 

It wasn’t long before “because the Bible says so” just didn’t cut it for me anymore. I had heard too many arguments against the validity of the Bible stories I knew, and comparisons of them to other ancient plots that started to merge with that of other cultures and religions. I heard people dispute the Bible because of all the seeming contradictions within it. If one part wasn’t true, wouldn’t that discredit the whole thing? Believers in the Bible started to look an awful lot like that judgmental, out-of-touch stereotype I mentioned earlier. This stereotype, I later learned, does not at all fit the majority of believers. The believers I have met since are some of the most loving, kind people I know. What changed to make me overlook all the compelling criticisms I had heard? Why do I now believe that the Bible is True more than I ever did before? Here are just three reasons (and there are so many more!): 

1. Eyewitnesses1, 2

The Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) were written when eyewitnesses of Jesus’ ministry, death, and resurrection were still alive. If the accounts were fabricated, they could have easily been refuted by several hundred eyewitnesses (referred to in 1 Corinthians 15:1-6) and the Gospel texts wouldn’t have lasted until today. If you’ve ever served on a jury, imagine the testimony of 500 witnesses in a trial who all say the same thing about the events that took place leading up to an event. It would be impossible to dismiss their story as anything other than fact. When Jesus died, even His most loyal disciples didn’t believe anymore; it was only after they saw He had risen that they believed in Him. Jesus asked them to believe in Him, but none of them did until they saw the proof–He was alive. The Gospels also incorporate details that don’t necessarily serve the story or an underlying agenda, there are simply details that match memory patterns of people who are asked to recall events. Of course, the whole Bible is not written this way (see point #3), but just the fact that the Gospels are verifiable changed everything for me. Believing in Jesus no longer had to be a blind faith; this gave my faith something solid to stand on.   

2. Jesus: Psychotic or Truthful1, 2

If the Gospels are True, and Jesus is who He says He is in the Gospel accounts, the Son of God, His teaching must be taken seriously. It would be a stretch to think that He could do the ministry work He did, always demonstrate humility as He did, and share wisdom that ended confusion and dispute as He did if He was in a psychotic state, believing Himself to be someone He isn’t. It doesn’t add up that He would share truth about everything else but lie about who He is, and to suffer greatly for admitting it. 

3. Jesus’ Reverence for the Old Testament1, 2

If we take the Gospel accounts to be reliable, then we have to take Jesus as the Son of God, and again, take what He said while He lived seriously. The Gospel accounts show that Jesus treated the Old Testament with the utmost respect and quoted it often and authoritatively. He quoted it while battling temptation and He quoted it while on the cross. If the Son of God takes the Old Testament seriously, who then am I to dismiss it? However, I am not encouraging blind faith here, we always have freedom to wrestle with it, and what it means to us in our own lives. Indeed, this struggle is part of the journey of faith and the rub of our relationship with God that draws us closer to Him. Christianity is an informed faith; we aren’t asked to take it blindly. 

It is so important to learn to interpret the Bible in a way that considers the context of that particular book at that particular time in history in that particular culture. There is so much that we can miss here, especially when it comes to those seeming contradictions. The central message of the Bible is perhaps the most important context of all to remember, which can be understood in any language or culture–the Gospel of Jesus is central to the message of the Bible. It is the thread that runs throughout every one of its 66 books. To get hung up on too many details without this context will surely lead to the division and confusion we see today. If something doesn’t seem to align with the grace and forgiveness that is the Gospel, we must go back and check our interpretation. Otherwise you may end up like I did and so many others do, getting confused about who God is over just taking a line or two out of its proper context. 

I went from believing the Bible was a nice book with a lot of nice life lessons, to believing it was the reason for a lot of violence and hatred, to believing the Bible is God’s love letter to us. I pray that your wrestle with the Bible brings you to a place of rest in the grace and truth that God has given us with His Word.

“He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God.” -Revelation 19:13

References

  1. Keller, Timothy. The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism. New York: Penguin Books, 2018. 
  2. Stanley, Andy. Starting Point: A Conversation about Faith. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2014.

Resource for further reading: Jesus and the Eyewitnesses by Richard Bauckham

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