Tag: feelings

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3 Ways to Walk in Humility

This past weekend, I took a silent retreat on a beautiful little property where life was thriving. The bugs, beetles, flowers, and animals were all singing their songs happily in the summer sun. I had never been there before, and going in, I thought I would use the time in silence to reflect and grieve and process life with the Lord. However, my environment had such an effect on me, that I couldn’t help but pay attention to it. I got caught up in the dance between butterflies, the ripples in the pond, the scent of an old pine tree, the coo of a dove. I couldn’t help but find joy in the moment and in being where I was among so much beauty, designed by our Creator. I felt free to wonder and be in awe in the present moment.

But a few days later, that feeling has worn off. I woke up feeling the same dread that I’ve woken up with on many days; dread of the sadness I’ve endured and sadness I’ve yet to endure. Dread of the pain and process of living. And while that’s a legitimate emotion that should be fully acknowledged and felt and processed, I want to challenge myself and anyone who can relate, with the truth that that feeling is based on an assumption of going through life without God’s presence. Of doing life on our own. But the truth is that God is with me just as much today as He was during my retreat, thus, the feeling is simply unfounded. Not worthless, not shameful, but normal and human. And also, the feeling is robbing me of the full joy of being, here and now. I challenge you and myself to choose to believe the truth that God’s presence is here and provides every reason for joyfulness, even on days when we wake up and don’t feel it’s true. What is true is that He has provided all we could ever need.  

Humility is depending on the Lord to provide. 

We all encounter this dilemma of choosing between humility and pride, both in the big and small decisions in life. I have discussed an aspect of this before in my post, Dealing with Pride. We all want our way, sometimes overtly and sometimes subconsciously, but beneath it all is the same sinister thing that keeps us from humbly submitting to the Lord and trusting His goodness and provision. This makes us feel distant, can turn into that feeling of dread or worse. This is something that we all deal with and learning to deal with it in healthy and life-giving ways can make all the difference in the very trajectory of our lives. We all are born with pride, it’s the human condition, so we all must learn to handle it when it does wash over or take hold of our perspective. So how do we handle pride in a healthy way that won’t distance our hearts from God further?   

1. Remember how God dealt with you kindly even in your worst moments.

An amazing story in the Bible of not only God’s kindness, but the kindness of people for each other is found in the book of Ruth. Kindness is the thread that runs throughout the short four chapters and it goes around the characters like a chain reaction. Kindness and humility go hand in hand. Boaz’s character reflects that of the Lord, who sees our humble loyalty to Him and rewards it with blessing. 

Later in the story, Ruth proposes marriage to Boaz, an extremely bold and humble thing to do, as it vulnerably demonstrates her dependence on him. Boaz dealt with her boldness kindly. It is out of a keen awareness and gratitude for God’s kindness that true humility can rise up in our hearts and help us to act in the love that Jesus calls us to. Even when we don’t act in great love as Ruth did here for her mother-in-law Naomi, we can all think of ways the Lord has dealt kindly with us. As Romans 2:4 says, it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. Fully owning our worst moments and repenting of our pride is the first step in humility.  

2. Decide, once and for all, to pursue genuine change of heart with Jesus.

At some point in our lives, we have to make the choice in faith that God’s way truly is best for us. We all have that decision to make for ourselves, whether His will for the long term is better than getting our way in the short term. There comes a point when we must stop excusing our pride away. At some point we need to acknowledge that anytime and every time that temptation arises, it is never justified to act upon it and follow it if we have committed our lives to following Jesus. We need to recognize it for what it really is, idolatry of the self. By letting our own will rule our perspective, we are placing ourselves in a place only God is righteous, just, and loving enough to fill.

When we are able to own up to our sinful nature, not just a single event or instance, but our heart condition of sin, only then can we fully allow Jesus through the door of our hearts to begin to heal what pride has twisted up in us. When we rely on Jesus with our entire self, we are no longer powerless against pride. We are instead empowered by the Spirit of the Living God to walk in love and humility, even becoming able to truly love our enemies because of God’s love for us while we were still His enemies. This ability is the beautiful and mysterious truth about authentic followers of Jesus. But it doesn’t come easily, and it doesn’t happen immediately. It takes a very close, intimate relationship with Jesus, spending time learning from Him and knowing His love ourselves, not through anyone else’s opinion or experience. It may be helpful to remember that even the demons “knew” Jesus, but they did not believe with a personal trust in Him, which is the kind of knowledge we’re talking about. Knowing Him and His character takes time, just as any relationship does, but it starts with faith that this long journey of learning and seeking to understand the love of Jesus is worth it. 

3. Remember Jesus is King and you are not. 

The more we learn about Jesus, the more beautiful, healing, and powerful we understand Jesus to be, it’s important to remain aware that we will come to identify ourselves with Him, because He identifies so closely and intimately with us. However, we must understand that there is potential in that process for pride to sneak in. Yes, we can identify with Jesus, we model our love and humility after Him. But we must remember who we are, under the authority and ownership of the King, Jesus Christ. Though He can and does work through us, we are not the judge, ever. At best, we may hope to be called His servants, a title of the highest honor for any mortal. As His, we are abundantly provided for, perfectly protected, and infinitely loved. In His care, there is no more need to look for satisfaction in the things that tempt us, because we know where true satisfaction is found, and we have found Him. 

Where is our heart’s condition and motives? This is what Jesus looks at; He fully knows the true condition of our hearts. Come into His presence today. Allowing ourselves to be driven by pride is damaging to us in the long term, but He knows what it’s done to our hearts, and He seeks to fully heal and restore each and every one to wholeness as His beloved ones.

It is only in His presence that our heart is fully at home.  

While only Jesus heals, there is responsibility on our part for our own heart’s condition. It is always God’s will to heal us of our pride and gently, patiently teach us the humility of Jesus, but He always takes our choices into account. Friends, I invite you to choose to know His presence with you in a fresh and deeply healing way. I invite you to the perspective that there is always reason to rejoice because of His presence and salvation. I invite you to stand in awe and wonder in the present Presence of the Lord, because there we are home.

Further Reading: The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller

“…I rejoice in your salvation.” (1 Samuel 2:1, ESV). 

“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.’” (1 Samuel 16:7, ESV).  

Thank you for spending some of your time journeying with me. If you haven’t yet, please subscribe to Life with the King, and like & follow the Facebook page; it truly helps me continue writing this blog. Grace and peace. 

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My Elimination Diet Story

This week marks one year of changing everything about the way I eat by adopting a strict elimination diet.

Thirteen months ago, I was in tears at my parents’ kitchen table. I was talking to my family about the overwhelming task of drastically and permanently changing my diet, and by extension the way I go about life. But hold on, you might be thinking, what does an elimination diet have to do with life with the King? 

It called upon me to step out of passivity and step into what was right for my body, a temple of the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5; 2 Timothy 1:14), not just sometimes but at every single meal. It called upon me to develop a spirit of discipline and perseverance. It called upon me to practice self-control. It called me to trust God in a deeper way. Ultimately, I want to share my story because it revealed things I needed to let God heal in me, and if I can do it, you can too.  

What I Gave Up

I was at a point where I felt stuck in a grab-and-go and restaurant-heavy diet. It worked with my busy lifestyle at the time, eating out on my way here or on the way back from there. The more I gave in to unhealthy diet choices, the more I was tempted by the constant food marketing we all see advertised. Not to mention giving all those foods up would surely ruin my social life; so much of it revolved around eating together with friends. Some of my favorite memories with them involve elaborate potlucks, and going to restaurants for birthdays or other celebrations. We even made a run of trying to sample all the world cuisines; many of us just love food. 

Eliminating the ingredients found in virtually everything? I was very concerned about sounding snobbish, rude, or judgmental if I refused the foods all my friends were eating. Not only that, but how else would we spend time together? (Yes, this was pre-COVID-19). 

While diet was my only ticket out of a prescription I had been taking for years, I was also terrified to stop taking it. To give up my prescription was what I wanted, but it actually meant that I would be facing the scariest withdrawal side effect, depression, head-on. It had hit me with a vengeance less than two weeks after I stopped the prescription once before, around three years prior. Depression messes with my concept of identity, not to mention life itself. Believing the lies depression tells is what scares me perhaps more than anything else. That fear of depression had kept me passively accepting my health situation to that point.

I also just doubted my own resolve. I felt unprepared to give up my restaurant fixes and my social life, like all I had to fight it with was my weak and admittedly underdeveloped self-discipline. 

But my feelings were wrong; the truth was I had God on my side too. 

Little did I know then that He would work so much more in this food journey than I ever imagined. I also had people in my family who encouraged and believed in me to see it through. They prayed for me and believed I could stay on course even though I didn’t. That kitchen table conversation? I left that night with renewed hope and resolve. 

Perseverance and Discipline

The initial motivator that made me push past all these hangups and attempt to discipline myself? The desire to stop taking the prescription I was on (an elimination diet plan would prepare my body for weaning off). Diet was the only option I knew of for doing that. Also, that same prescription was starting to cause ever-more-severe side effects that I had grown weary of tolerating.  

To clarify, I am NOT anti-medication. Medication can and does help people in many cases and there is absolutely a place for them. However, when the costs outweigh the benefits, I believe we need to look for safe alternatives; so that is what I did. 

After six years on my prescription, I had developed severe gastrointestinal (GI) side effects, or “leaky gut.” This is a known side effect. Sadly, my doctor dismissed it as something that can’t be tested or measured, despite my acute and nearly constant pain. 

Changing your lifestyle sounds like such a cliche until you actually try it. It’s hard work, and it takes planning and a willingness to disappoint other people if and when necessary. It takes removing temptations entirely from your environment. It also takes a really, really important reason. 

Sure, I wanted to feel better and get out of pain, but mostly I wanted to gain back my freedom from this prescription I no longer felt was helping me. I did not want to be that dependent on anything but God. And it was harming my body as well. Being strung along against my will just would not do any longer; it was clear to me then that it didn’t fit with what I believe. But soon I came to realize there were many other ways it didn’t fit me. 

Self Control

To help prepare my prescription-dependent brain and body to wean off, I committed to clean foods. I committed to investing a bit more in my health and purchasing organic fruit and vegetables, grass-fed meat, and pasture raised eggs. I went gluten, grain, soy, dairy, corn, caffeine, alcohol, processed/added sugar, potato, and peanut free on September 3rd, 2019. 

Miraculously, I stuck faithfully to this for the first six months (I followed a fantastic book’s plan which also included some supplements—with my doctor’s approval). This meant that suddenly, cooking became a much bigger part of life. In order to make it work for me and my personality as much as possible, I got rid of everything in my kitchen that had any ingredients I couldn’t eat and replaced them all with plan-friendly alternatives, like swapping soy sauce for coconut aminos, or white flour with almond flour. To help myself with self-control, I needed to minimize temptation. 

I was going to make sure that I was welcome in my own kitchen, even if nowhere else. 

I armed myself with plenty of versatile, fun recipes to try, like Thai chicken soup and spiced stir fry, so I never got bored within the ingredient limitations. I can count on one hand the times in those first six months that I ate anything I didn’t prepare myself—mostly times when I was out with friends. Most of those times I was eating within my ingredient restrictions, but none of those instances went particularly well. The cross-contamination was likely just too high. However my body was, thankfully, able to recover more quickly than before I started the elimination diet.

My previously constant GI symptoms mostly disappeared around the two-month mark of being on this plan, around early November 2019. Let me repeat that, 

It took only two months of diligence in self control for my leaky gut symptoms to disappear. 

That’s when I started feeling really good, relieved, energized, and motivated to keep going. I stuck to it through tempting holiday foods at Thanksgiving and Christmas with no unmanageable cravings.  

For anyone who believes inflammation or GI symptoms can’t be helped from diet and supplements alone, from the foods and plants that God’s earth provides for us, I am living proof that they can. 

After four months, I felt my body had gotten accustomed to the diet and was still feeling good. Finally, I was ready to stop taking my prescription in late December (again, with my doctor’s approval). I also started some more intense supplements to help repair intestinal damage and support my liver function even more. At that point, I’d done all I could do and prayed to God, asking Him to take care of the rest. I’d reached the first milestone—four months of eating for my health. Would it pay off? Could depression and other medication withdrawal side effects really be staved off? 

I continued faithfully with the diet through January. By late February, I had no negative side effects of stopping my prescription. I was both shocked and delighted. I could begin the food reintroduction phase of the elimination diet.

First, I tried reintroducing gluten, then dairy, corn, rice, potatoes, and peanuts. Each time I felt mildly tired and lethargic. It wasn’t painful, but I knew how great it was to feel at my best, and surprisingly, even just the “mild,” pain-free cost was no longer worth it to me. I could try reintroduction of these things again after a few months; these costs can lessen over time. For now, I only eat these ingredients in small amounts and very occasionally.  

I reintroduced oats with no negative symptoms, so I now eat them regularly. Because of the way my body reacts to them, I have not tried and have no plans to reintroduce soy, caffeine, alcohol, or added sugars—maybe ever.  

I am still very much in the middle of my self-control journey, but I’ve learned a lot in just one year.

Before starting an elimination diet, I didn’t restrict myself at all as to what, how much, or when I eat. But all these factors affect our bodies, and in turn our minds and spirits as well. Proverbs 25:28 reads, “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.” This past year’s elimination diet has been more than a diet, it has been a process of first realizing that my own internal “city” had some broken walls, and then putting the walls back together, piece by piece, day by day, meal by meal. Excess of anything without restriction, and ultimately gluttony, isn’t the Way of Jesus. In fact, it is in opposition to it. 

In an elimination diet mindset, you have to die to your will, forget about what you want to eat or feel pressure to eat, and follow the plan, because it’s the best thing for you and your health. Sounds familiar, right? Similarly, I can’t just go and do or say whatever I want because I have chosen to yield to the authority of Jesus. 

You can deny yourself and pick up your cross even when it comes to food choices.

Specifically, picking up my cross means loving God, loving others, and loving myself. Was eating whatever, whenever, even when it was harmful for my body, in line with my beliefs–in line with loving myself? For me, it was not. Treating my body in any way other than as the temple of the Holy Spirit that it is was not loving myself. It was suppressing who I am, mind, body, and spirit. My mind made excuses for it, my body tried in vain to compensate for it, and my spirit was dissatisfied by the whole thing. If I hadn’t suffered with the intolerable symptoms of leaky gut that tipped the scale for me to take action, I shudder at the thought that I might still be in that place.  

I honestly was blind to the issues with eating whatever whenever before I actually started taking the actions of preparing and eating the right foods. Usually, our thoughts motivate our actions, but sometimes our actions help clarify our thoughts when it comes to the Truth–this was one of those profound times for me. 

Restricting my diet helped me gain a sense of self-control that I didn’t have before, and it healed a part of my spirit and mind in the process!

I started out last August dreading a restrictive elimination diet, thinking I would fail and feel terrible about myself, but today, thanks be to God, the opposite is true. I feel happier with myself having acted on it and seeing it through faithfully. My friends didn’t abandon me, in fact, they fully supported me in my health journey; now looking back I wonder why I didn’t think that they would! 

Sticking to something healthy for my body was an act of love for self, which I now see as an act of love for God. I wasn’t compromising my peace of mind or arteries anymore for a greasy, sweet takeout meal. I was doing what I set out to do for my health and well being, letting God take care of the rest. And that’s exactly where I’d ever want to be! 

Trust God 

I learned that God gave us an amazing array of foods that can interact with our bodies in some very healing and restorative ways. 

This journey on an elimination diet helped me to learn that looking at food with this perspective can free us from wanting to make the unhealthy diet choices constantly being marketed to us via all forms of media. It also gave me a whole new layer of self agency—I was at a point with diet a year ago where I didn’t believe I could resist some of the food marketing (doughnut commercials, anyone?), and now that I’ve gone through it, I believe it is possible for anyone. 

Eating differently and making food choices for my health led me to see food differently; I thought it was interesting to note that it didn’t happen the other way around–the perspective shift came by doing. In the day-to-day, I have learned that self control over my food choices is ultimately much more satisfying to my soul, and is much more in line with who I am and what I believe, than indulgence. 

Now, I am still on this journey! I have had some recent, though much less severe, health issues show up that are still in need of full healing. I am fine-tuning, working with doctors and experimenting with natural supplements to support overall health and heal the root issue of symptoms instead of taking medications to mask them, as I had before. Natural, “God-made” ingredients are the way I want to go whenever possible. I would not have thought a natural remedy was even a legitimate option had I not gone through the food journey I went on this year or experienced the healing I did. 

My elimination diet process showed me how deeply our bodies are connected to the health of our minds and spirits, and that our bodies are equally important for our overall health. 

God provides what we need to heal, and change is possible no matter how intimidating, when it comes to being more of who God made you to be and living out your beliefs about Him. 

I had to let go of some things in my life to live out what I believe and live out my trust in God. I now have a desire to continue taking action and walking in trust, to continuously act on trust that God provided me with a body that can adapt, heal, and thrive on the foods that He made, instead of the (in my case) harmful chemicals that man made. 

When we pay attention to and love our bodies, and what information they are giving us about our health (they always do!), we love ourselves and fulfill His commandment to walk in love (Ephesians 5:2). By allowing God to heal us, and walking in that healing, we become a living testament of His goodness.

“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” (Romans 5:5).

“...make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love” (2 Peter 1:5-7).

Thank you for spending some of your time journeying with me. If you haven’t yet, please subscribe to the blog, and follow the Facebook page; it truly helps me continue writing about Life with the King. Grace and peace.  

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A Closer Look at God’s Forgiveness

Do we really need to forgive ourselves?  

I’ve been seriously wrestling with this question for five years. I’ve fervently tried, but I was never able to feel settled with the statement that I had “forgiven myself.” 

The thing is, I knew I hadn’t fully. I wasn’t even sure I could. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that I am dust and just couldn’t shake the truth that without God’s grace through Jesus I am unforgivable, flawed, and hopelessly sinful. That is what makes God’s grace and Jesus’ sacrifice for us so incredibly difficult to comprehend. Offering grace to ourselves is not always an easy task, even on our best days. 

Lately I’ve been working very hard on accepting the truth, even if it’s not pretty or what I or others would want to hear. Jesus had to come and forgive me; I can’t forgive myself on my own. Without His grace (upon grace…) I am not gracious enough toward myself to forgive fully. I can’t pardon myself from the sins I’ve committed or fix my fallen nature. I can’t absolve myself of guilt. Only Jesus can do that.  

Forgiving ourselves is not done on our own strength, it’s about leaning on the forgiveness Jesus already offers to us.

I can’t shake the truth that I desperately need Jesus’ forgiveness. It is His forgiveness that allows me to forgive others, and myself. We are not meant to live under the weight of heavy guilt; instead, we are meant to live freely and lightly (Matthew 11:30). As He calls us to follow Him, He invites us to come to Him and accept the forgiveness He has for us. 

In accepting His forgiveness, we believe the unbelievable, that what God says really is true, and that Jesus’ work on the cross really was enough. We are made in His image, so we all have the capacity to forgive, but Jesus teaches us how to do this. Jesus enables us to forgive, wholly and truly, through and through.   

Through His amazing grace, we may extend complete grace to ourselves and others.

We can start to see ourselves through His eyes when we accept His forgiveness. And we might need to choose to accept it several times every day! Just as we have to choose to take up our cross daily, we must also choose to accept His forgiveness as we continue to make mistakes, doubt our own faith, or struggle to show grace to ourselves and others. 

Forgiveness is a choice God made in relation to us. We do not have to do anything to earn it, a strange feeling in our world where so much must be earned. Accepting God’s choice to forgive us despite what we may feel about ourselves at any given moment isn’t always so easy. (I mean, did He see what I did? If I’m disgusted in me, then surely He is, right?) Wrong. He loves and forgives us unconditionally. And He knew that you were going to do whatever it is you did, but that doesn’t change a thing. 

Jesus already paid the full price for our forgiveness. As we believe this, the Holy Spirit lives in us and loves us as part of His own family. This is the fact; feelings that keep us from believing we can be forgiven are not fact.  

It’s okay to give your feelings time to catch up with facts. 

It is not okay, however, to let feelings blind you to facts. The facts are that God loves you, Jesus paid the price for you, and that you are forgiven and free in Him. How amazing that we do not have to do anything more than believe to receive His forgiveness! And even more than this, His forgiveness empowers us to forgive to greater depths than we ever could on our own strength.                  

Yet, we are ever-tempted to give in to the false feelings that are not of God, of guilt and shame. For some of us, these feelings might be a comfortable place to be. But these feelings were never meant to linger and we were never meant to dwell among them. Jesus said, “...it is necessary that temptations come…” (Matthew 18:7). Temptations and disobedience will happen, but it doesn’t erase what God has done or who we are in Him at all. Guilt and shame must be dealt with yet moved through, for we are meant to dwell in Jesus’ freedom. 

When God leads us through temptations to the other side, He shows us who He is, for He walks with us the whole way.

Not only am I aware that I am dust, but God is aware too (Psalm 103:14), and He has mercy for that. He knows we will be tempted to choose not to believe the facts and go with our feelings. 

In fact, God uses even these temptations for His glory, “For God has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all” (Romans 11:32). He gives us no reason to fear. He knows we need Him, and He forgives us for being human.   

It’s okay to accept God’s forgiveness.  

In reference to Romans 8:33, the ESV Study Bible notes, “Satan, their enemies, or even their own consciences may bring charges against God’s elect, but those who have come to faith in Christ will never be found guilty, for God declares them to be right before all the world at the divine tribunal.”

This means we will face charges in our own thoughts and consciences, and it’s not a question of if but when–this will happen. It does not change the fact that Jesus Christ cleared us of our charges and forgave us. 

Asking God to forgive us, and believing He does, is enough.  

Paul wrote, “For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law (Romans 3:28). We do not have to work and do extra to earn forgiveness. Forgiveness is not earned, it is given. He asks us to have faith in Him; His forgiveness for us doesn’t depend on our striving or achieving. 

We don’t have to strive to earn freedom from guilt, instead, we are invited to have faith that we are forgiven. 

In Matthew, it says, “with God all things are possible” (19:26). As we struggle with forgiving ourselves, let us take heart in knowing that we can rest because of who Jesus is, what He has done, and what He, even now, is doing on our behalf; “Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us” (Romans 8:34). 

Not only has he paid the price for our forgiveness, but He continually works on our behalf; we have no need to strive because of Him.

May we let it all rest in Jesus. 

“God is for us, so who can be against us” (Romans 8:31)?

Thank you for spending some of your time journeying with me. If you haven’t yet, please subscribe to the blog, it helps me continue writing about Life with the King. Grace and peace.  

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10 Ways to Help Someone Struggling with Faith

I have shared how to handle being the one struggling with faith in my post, “What To Do When You Struggle with Faith.” In this post, I’ll be sharing ways that we can help someone who is going through this transformative and very painful process. I certainly don’t claim that these ten “dos and don’ts” will apply to everyone, but these include some helpful things people said or did for me. I also include a few things that now looking back on my experience are things I would have felt supported and loved by. People that are going through this process have a hard road, and they need the people who love them and who they trust to be there for them. It isn’t easy to do, and it can be easy to misstep. There is extra grace required (EGR) for people in this plight. Here are some ways we can try to do that for the amazing, brave, and growing truth-seekers in our lives!

1. Love first.

We’ve probably heard it more times than we can count, “love one another,” perhaps from John 13 or Romans 13, but what does it look like to love someone who is questioning everything, who is finding their way, and probably takes everything you say at arm’s length because that’s just where they are? It looks like honoring their process. It looks like showing an attitude of humility instead of judgment. It looks like being present with them in their pain, even if it’s only for just a moment. Loving them means letting them know they’re not alone to deal with the weight of the world, because that’s what it can feel like.  

What Not To Do: The Don’ts to Avoid

2. Do not give any advice or your opinions (unless asked). 

For crying out loud, do not suggest that they “just get out more” and “have more fun.” Believe me, they’ve thought of that and they’d probably love to do that if they could. There is no way someone can just forget about everything they are struggling with because their very way of being in the world is hanging in the balance. Even just walking out the door can present too many decisions to make without a solid framework. For me, I was concerned about hurting other people in the process. I was concerned about misleading them into thinking I was a certain way when really I was just acting like I thought I should act; I wasn’t being myself. Not only does advising or suggesting anything (before you’ve really, thoroughly heard them out) come across as dismissive of their feelings and the vulnerability they’ve shared with you, but this is also a clear sign that you haven’t really had compassion for their situation. Show compassion at all times for their struggle, even if it’s never been your own, and you can’t go too wrong. 

3. Recognize that while “It’s going to be okay,” might be a great catch-all phrase to say in many other situations where someone is struggling, this might not be the one in which to use it. This is probably not going to be a comforting or helpful thing to say here. There is a difference though between saying it after you’ve explained Biblical Truth to them in a way that encourages them and offers the hope and love of Jesus, and saying it after they’ve expressed their broken heart to you. If the latter, steer clear of this overused, one-size-fits-all phrase. It can easily sound dismissive to the vulnerable ears of someone in the form of an existential crisis. Though you might be trying to love and encourage them by saying this, it actually might be hurtful to them. 

4. Do not make light of the struggle they’ve shared with you. 

If you are privileged enough to have someone share their faith struggle with you, congratulations. You are (most likely) a safe person to them; this is a privilege. Take that seriously. If you don’t know something that they want to know, don’t pretend you do. Be honest and let them know you’ll look into it for them, and actually follow up on it. Don’t make light of something you don’t understand in this scenario because what you say will probably be taken seriously in some aspect. Don’t derail what they are probably inwardly exhausted by from the process of sharing with you. Keep an attitude that honors the weight of the person’s soul struggle. Honor their process, and feel honored that they are even willing to be around you when all they probably want to do is go be alone. 

5. Do not hide or downplay your own faith. 

Strong faith is encouraging to anyone seeking it. It is rare to find great faith. When I did, I was fascinated by it, astounded, even. I wanted to understand it, I wanted to understand how people could be so sure of anything. Just because someone else isn’t sure about their own faith doesn’t mean you have to hide your own to try to relate to them. Faith is a beautiful, powerful thing that can bring hope and light to someone’s feeling of hopelessness. If the opportunity comes, share your testimony with them. Share why you have hope and faith in Jesus. Don’t preach at them, but do share your story. Your story when told in a loving way can go way farther than the reaches of an internet article on faith or an inspirational quote. Let them know their pain is valid. Let them know how courageous they are to ask challenging questions about life in order to discover the truth. It may be the inspiration they need to keep going.

What To Do: The Dos

6. Listen to them.

Though someone might share something very real and personal with us about their faith, that doesn’t always mean they feel heard by us in turn. To really listen to someone is actually an incredibly rare skill that requires wisdom and practice. Cultivate the practice of really listening when someone shares something with you. Do you pay attention in a way that they feel heard and seen, or are you listening so that, in the next breath, you can feel heard and seen in your response? There is a big difference. Have the people who have opened up to you come back to you again to open up? If not, that might be a sign that your listening skills might not be ready yet for this job. Be more intentional about the art of listening to people’s hearts. Someone who needs support in their faith journey, if you’ve read this far, needs someone like you.  

7. Offer Truth if welcomed and if so, always speak the Truth in love.

Going back a bit to #3, Biblical Truth is the only sustaining anchor in a swirl like this one of faith. If you have the opportunity to speak Truth into the confusion, and love into the heartbreak, of this person, this is the most healing salve there is. Be sensitive to where this person is before you share. Are they in a pragmatic, logical frame of mind or a seeking, desiring to learn and understand frame of mind? Are they stoic and unexpressive, or are they fed up, frustrated, or sad? These things can serve as vital signs that can indicate what they are open to hearing. Always speak in love, but if you’re seeing their desire to learn and understand or if they’re showing emotional readiness for change, speak that Truth! 

8. Offer to be there for them (if you actually can/will be), and be supportive of their growth process.

Do not offer to be there for someone if you can’t. Just please don’t ever do that. This goes for any situation, really. It can be extra tough not to if you’re feeling a sense of obligation or guilt or pity in the moment, but in the long run it’s better if you’re honest. But if you can be there, if you can hang in there with the person, Lord bless you. Check on them every week or two and ask how they are physically (are they sleeping? eating?) and emotionally (are they feeling numb? shame? frustration?)*. Ask what faith-related or spiritual life questions they have been preoccupied with lately (because there’s always something). Just taking an interest is huge; it can be such a shameful thing to struggle with faith, so to bring that shame to light by allowing them to share it openly in this way with you may be a crucial part of shedding the burden. It’s also part of the growth process to dip one’s toes in the realm of being out in the world again. If they ask you to go with them to an event or any place where other people are around, try to help them feel welcomed there even if they are withdrawn. The fact that they are even there is most likely a huge step for them. Telling someone, “I believe you can do it!” can go a long, long way.  

*For anyone who is dealing with serious emotional problems, these questions should be handled by a mental health professional.

9. Pray.

It is important to remember to give the situation to God and recognize that ultimately that person and their heart is in His hands. Pray that they would grow in their faith journey. Pray that they would be able to come to a place of rest and healing in Jesus. Pray for yourself to be able to help them in the ways you can and to speak and show love to them. Pray that you would have the same compassion for them as God has, asking to see the person with His eyes.  

10. Show grace. 

It is so important to reflect the grace of God back to someone who either feels they’ve fallen from it or maybe never knew what grace was to begin with. Grace is getting what we don’t deserve, it’s unjust in the most beautiful way. It’s undeserved kindness, “…God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance” (Romans 2:4). God has been radically, astoundingly, magnificently kind to me, and to you. If we can show God’s grace to people who are suffering, we can offer the Truth and the hope that they are not lost. That they are not too far gone. That there is grace and peace in Jesus. If we can do that, we may even be privy to witness the beauty of a heart transformed.  

Further suggested reading: What To Do When You Struggle with Faith

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” -John 13:34

“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another…” -Romans 13:8

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